


midnight thoughts and puzzle pieces

by Tenheroes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: College AU, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, because are we not all in love with renjun, friends to lovers but it's like really cute and wholesome i promise, idk please just read for some wholesome mutal pining fluffy content, im an ex communications and now psyc major i know what i am doing, jaemin is a dumb gay but aren't we all, jaemin may be adhd coded because i may have adhd idk i can't afford a diagnosis, like at least half the story is just pining, lots of pining, mark has a bat for some reason, me projecting myself onto jaemin, pop culture and media references if that's what you call it??, puzzles and coffee and tea and basements and sleep deprivation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24101983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenheroes/pseuds/Tenheroes
Summary: Jaemin falls in love.Or,Jaemin's been falling in love and only now realizes.
Relationships: (nohyuck if you squint), (yuwin if you squint extra extra hard), Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 34
Kudos: 130





	midnight thoughts and puzzle pieces

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimers  
> 1\. i wrote this almost a year ago, last summer?? it just took me forever to edit and get the courage to post??  
> 2\. this is just me projecting myself onto jaemin honestly  
> 3\. jaemin's coffee addiction in this is actually based off my own addiction and my worries for my own health (and yes, i did write/edit most of this while drinking coffee, or at three in the morning, or while drinking coffee at three in the morning)  
> 4\. this is kinda americanized?? i am sorry  
> 5\. stream ridin please  
> 6\. i am simply renmin trash and i think this might be one of my best works, though that may be the caffeine talking  
> 7\. i failed biology freshman year of high school, and i was taking biology as a college freshman during the time i wrote this  
> 8\. also i am a psychology major, idk i just feel the need to let people know before going into this fic because jaemin's college sleep-deprive is based off things i learned in one of my psyc classes so... and yeah, again, it is also just me projecting myself onto jaemin  
> 9\. idk i'm just ranting at this point, please read i promise it might be good, and please stream ridin so we can get dream those wins  
> 10\. also, yes i am in love with the fact that dream released a song called puzzle piece after i wrote this fic last year

Renjun had once sang a song that said, _Reality felt like a dream, and a dream felt like reality. It was like dreaming with my eyes open_ , describing love and life or something like that. Jaemin hadn’t really understood the lyrics too well at that time, he hadn't cared much to analyze them either, and all he had known in that moment was, _damn_ , his best friend had a nice voice. Except, it wasn’t just a nice voice. It was a voice that was so breathtaking, it took away any word that Jaemin could possibly use to describe how astonishing it was. Except, even if there was a word in his dictionary that could describe something so beautiful, it still wouldn’t be enough.

Jaemin was convinced: there could be no possible existing word in the planet which they resided on—not in any existing language on Earth—that could describe Renjun’s voice. And if by any chance the shorter boy was right and Jaemin had been a fool for denying him all this time, and there really was other life out there in the universe, even those extraterrestrial beings wouldn’t have a word to describe the beauty that was Renjun’s voice and, overall, just Renjun's pure existence.

Because even if he didn’t understand those lyrics that day, Jaemin understood there was something about Renjun’s vocals that blurred a line which they had been tip-toeing around for ages already. It was funny, because there had been plenty of occurrences in which that line had begun to fade in Jaemin’s mind before, but it never reached _that_ point until the day he listened to his voice, which was also funny because, though they had known each other for ages already, he had never heard him sing. Well, he had, but not _really_. Not in the way that he did that awakening day.

But, from that first line, _Reality felt like a dream, and a dream felt like reality. It was like dreaming with my eyes open_ , Jaemin knew. He knew the line had finally blurred and faded, disappearing from sight without so much as a trace left behind, and he suddenly couldn’t remember what it was like to be _just_ friends with Renjun, just like before that day in which he was blessed with an angelic voice that belonged to none other than his best friend.

Jaemin had a theory—because he liked to think and sometimes when he couldn’t sleep thanks to the feelings he felt for his friend that could get so intense to where it felt like heartburn, he would stay up late making charts and diagrams, analyzing his feelings, and they all amounted to one thing—he had already liked Renjun long before he heard him sing. Perhaps it was true—who was he kidding? It was damn well true. 

Jaemin had liked Renjun since so long ago, it would be impossible for him to pinpoint the exact moment his heart first fluttered over the tiny boy. The way he stared at him should have been one of the first hints because, _damn_ , did Jaemin stare a lot. But who could blame him when Renjun was just sitting there, looking like a literal angel for everyone to stare at? Jaemin sure wasn’t a fool enough to miss out on an opportunity as such.

Another hint should have been his constant need to hold the other. In any shape, way, or form, Jaemin just constantly needed to reach out for Renjun and just, well, touch him. And yes, Jaemin was quite aware of how bad that sounded, it was another one of the many things he had analyzed endlessly during his sleepless nights, but there was no other way to describe it. Because it was as simple as that. He needed to touch him. And maybe it wasn’t so simple, because if it was so simple, then why did Jaemin feel like he was dying every time he couldn’t touch Renjun?

Just to lay one finger on him was all Jaemin needed to feel like he could breathe, yet not breathe at all. Whether it was his fingers just grazing over Renjun’s own, or his hold lingering for a tad bit too long after they hugged over whatever small thing happened that Jaemin felt the need to physically, completely, and dramatically drape his entire body over the short guy. Whatever kind of touch, Jaemin _needed_ it if it was Renjun. Not even want—which he did—but _need_. It was rather sad, truly, because Renjun was not one for much physical affection. Or any affection, really. And Jaemin wouldn’t lie, it hurt whenever Renjun would shove him off or elbow his side or lock him in a chokehold—but even then, Jaemin was truly a fool for enjoying it nonetheless.

Yes, Jaemin was completely and utterly sadly whipped for his best friend. He should have long known that. But again, it wasn’t until Renjun sang that first line, _Reality felt like a dream, and a dream felt like reality, it was like dreaming with my eyes open_ , that Jaemin realized.

And suddenly, that was how Jaemin began to feel. Just as the lyrics described, _reality felt like a dream, and a dream felt like reality, it was like dreaming with my eyes open._

And Jaemin then realized the importance of the lyrics that came after that. _People say this is called love._

* * *

Jaemin liked to think he wasn’t distancing himself. He liked to think he wasn’t hurting every time Renjun pushed away his affection. He liked to think his heart didn’t feel like it was on fire every time Renjun just so much as breathed in his general direction (or any direction, for that matter). He liked to think his feelings weren’t even real and this was all some sort of messed up dream that he was soon to wake up from to find everything between him and his best friend was good and any feelings he thought he may have had for him were simply that: a dream.

But Jaemin was also the same guy who thought sixteen espresso shots a day could cure any and all issues he had in his life at the moment. So, could he really trust himself? He would think about that next time he couldn’t sleep.

At the moment, he was too busy trying to avoid Renjun.

He wasn’t proud of it, really. He truly, wholeheartedly, honestly was not proud that it had come down to this. But what else was Jaemin supposed to do? Last week he had literally been an impulse away from leaning down and just pressing his lips against Renjun’s. And that was no exaggeration. Really, because if it hadn’t been for Donghyuck who walked in to ask if they knew where Jeno had gone, Jaemin would have done it.

Just right then and there, in the kitchen of Renjun and Jeno’s shared apartment, as they were talking over the counter, peeling tomatoes. Could you peel tomatoes? Jaemin didn’t know. He couldn’t remember, everything became a blur in that moment and he was starting to think that caffeine had betrayed him, because he was out of it. Was it possible to get high off of a crush? Is that what being drunk in love was? Because if it was, all of those songs suddenly made sense.

Whatever it was that had gotten to him, he was thankful Donghyuck had walked in, asking about Jeno, only to cut himself off when he saw the way Jaemin was staring at Renjun’s lips. Maybe he wasn’t thankful. Maybe he wanted to kiss Renjun’s lips and see what happened. Maybe the line that had faded for Jaemin would fade for Renjun as well if that kiss had happened. But no, because was risking his friendship of, what was it now, nine years (?), really worth it just because he couldn’t control his hormones? No. It couldn’t be, and Jaemin had to remind himself continuously.

But either way, kiss or no kiss, Jaemin was already ruining that friendship by avoiding Renjun.

One week. It had been one week already.

And Renjun wasn’t the only one he was avoiding, there was Donghyuck too. Because Jaemin knew from the look he was given that day that Donghyuck knew and he was not going to let go until Jaemin confessed. And even when he confessed, Donghyuck would still not let it go because he was, as Jaemin had come to the conclusion when they were four, the spawn of satan himself.

Avoiding Renjun was easy. Piece of cake.

Jaemin knew Renjun’s entire schedule—definitely not creepy, they were just very close and spent a lot of time together—down to the finest detail. He knew at what time he would be in the library, working on his assignments. He knew at what time he would be in the cafeteria, eating his self-packed lunch before his next class. He knew at what time he had each and every class, and how long or short they tended to run depending on the day. It wasn’t creepy, he swore. But when you spend every single day of your life with someone, consciously or unconsciously, you just accustom yourself to them. So, naturally, Jaemin was an expert at finding Renjun, therefore he was also an expert at not finding him—avoiding, was the proper term.

Donghyuck, on the other hand, was different. Yes, Jaemin had known him his entire life—longer than he had known Renjun—and they were best friends or whatever. But Jaemin didn’t care about Donghyuck. Okay, he cared about Donghyuck, but not in the way that he did about Renjun. He was just one of his best friends, like Jeno and Mark and the others. He wasn’t Renjun. He didn’t feel the need to pay attention to him in the way he did to Renjun, which was harsh when he thought about it, but it was true.

So, Jaemin didn’t know Donghyuck’s schedule. And since he didn’t know his schedule, he didn’t know how to avoid him. Which meant that at any moment now, Donghyuck was bound to pop up. Jaemin could feel it. And honestly? It put him on edge.

Whether it was turning a corner in the hall, or walking into a convenience store near the school, Jaemin was sure he was about to encounter Donghyuck, and he was sure not ready for the interrogation that would follow.

Unfortunately, the time came when he turned the corner to head to the school’s coffee shop and he found himself face to face with none other than the devil himself, giving him that _look_. Perhaps it was dramatic of Jaemin to screech and drop every single textbook he had been clinging on to for dear life while he walked down the hall, cautious of the boy he would encounter just seconds later, but Donghyuck could be scary when he was determined. And right now, he was determined to get an answer out of Jaemin.

“Why are you avoiding us?” Donghyuck asked, unfazed by Jaemin’s reaction, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed as he watched the tall boy bend down to pick up his textbooks.

Jaemin glanced up before he reached for his general psychology textbook. “Define _us_.”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes and pushed himself off the wall, turning to walk with Jaemin down to the cafe when he had gotten back up. “You know who _us_ is. Don’t play coy with me, Jaemin, you and I both knew very well this moment was coming and you can’t deny it any longer.”

Jaemin opened his mouth to argue, but Donghyuck continued as they stepped inside the cafe.

“Besides, we’ve all known you’re, like, madly in love with Renjun. Although, I have to say, I’m a little disappointed it’s taken you this long to realize because Mark and I had a bet back in high school when I was very broke and I needed the money.”

Jaemin raised an eyebrow, wanting to be surprised by that. But he wasn’t. He really wasn’t, because he had already come to terms with himself over the undeniable fact that he had been madly in love with his best friend since long ago. And of course his friends would have caught on. If someone had recorded the way Jaemin stared at Renjun ages ago and had shown him, even he would have caught on.

“So was the bet on whether I liked Renjun or not?”

“Of course not, that was a given,” Donghyuck scoffed. “The bet was on how long it would take for you to realize. Sad, because now I have to give Mark ten bucks which, mind you, I don’t have.”

“How long did you bet?”

Jaemin shouldn’t have been so curious, but was it wrong if he was?

“I bet it would take you three years. Mark said we’d be long gone from high school when you would realize. Back in our freshman year of high school.” Donghyuck pulled out his wallet as they stood in line, which Jaemin found funny because no matter how many times he would complain about being broke, Donghyuck still always had some spare change to spend on drinks and snacks and whatever other useless miscellaneous items he just had to get himself. “I thought you were so whipped it would be impossible for you to not realize by the end of the senior year. Say, when _did_ you realize? Was it really just last week when you were going to jump Renjun?”

Jaemin frowned. “I wasn’t going to _jump_ Renjun.”

Donghyuck scoffed. “Seriously, you looked like you were literally about to pounce the boy if I didn’t walk in on time. I don’t know how he didn’t notice. Oh, you’re welcome, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Jaemin grumbled. He honestly didn’t know how to feel. “But for your information, it was karaoke night at the beginning of freshman year of college.”

Donghyuck blinked. His eyes bulged out. “Jaemin, that was almost two semesters ago. Are you telling me you’ve been knowing how you feel about Renjun this long without—”

“Sir, can I have you order?”

“—you be quiet—telling him how you feel?!”

Jaemin sighed stepping in front of Donghyuck to place his order in. ‘The usual’ was all he had to say for the cashier to know.

“What was I supposed to do when I found out? Confess? Donghyuck, do you know how bad that could be for me?” Jaemin asked as he handed the cashier his credit card.

Donghyuck scoffed once again and this time he put his whole body into it, throwing his head back in disbelief. “Jaemin, you do know Renjun feels the same, right? It’s all in the— _one iced caramel macchiato, please_ —way he looks at you. It’s pretty much the same way— _oh, and one of those brownies as well_ —you look at him. It makes us all want to throw up, how much you pine after each other.”

Jaemin picked up his cup and took a sip, letting the piece of information sit in his head for a while before he decided to shake it off. No, Renjun couldn’t like him. It was impossible. As impossible as extraterrestrial life out there in the universe.

But Renjun would like to argue otherwise.

“Now don’t go shaking your head at me,” Donghyuck said, picking up his cup as well. along with the bag that contained his brownie. The two began to head out of the cafe together, taking occasional sips as they continued the conversation. “I know what I see and what I see is Renjun continuously looking at you, waiting for you to do something only to be disappointed when you don’t. Who knows, maybe he was quite aware of your overly dramatic and pining gaze on his lips and just acted like he didn’t know because he wanted you to kiss him.”

Jaemin glanced at his friend, and then looked down at his cup of coffee

Renjun should be in the library, right about now.

“If he does like me, why does he push me away every time I try to touch him?”

“You really are dense. Look, Renjun isn’t one for much physical affection, or any affection, you know that. Especially with your big and dramatic gestures of love that you tend to do in public, but only because it makes him flustered and embarrassed—in a good way, I promise—and he doesn’t know how else to react.”

Jaemin tried to process the new piece of information, but his mind wasn’t working right. It made sense, but there was some sort of calculation in his head that told him it wasn’t possible. Denial, perhaps.

Because Jaemin just couldn’t believe it. Renjun liking him back? Could that actually be a thing? No. Of course not, and just because Donghyuck, a mutual friend who knew them both very well and happened to be there often during some of their most intimate moments allowing him to analyze the two very well and their feelings for each other and—Where was Jaemin going with this? Right, just because Donghyuck said Renjun liked him back, it didn’t mean that he did. So, in conclusion, Jaemin wouldn’t confess.

Yes. That was the conclusion. Jaemin didn’t like the conclusion. It wasn’t very satisfying, and he felt like he was back to where he started, but it was the conclusion he would have to live with.

Jaemin and Donghyuck finally came to a stop at the lounging area in the student center. Donghyuck turned to the taller and scanned him head to toe. “Well,” He said, looking back up at him, “I don’t think any of what I just said got through to you because you’re a leo, so you’re stubborn and prideful—and quite dumb, if you ask me—but, just don’t avoid Renjun, okay? I think he’s noticed, and last time we all hung out, he didn’t say so himself, but judging from the way he kept glancing at the door every time someone walked into the restaurant, I’m pretty sure he missed your presence.”

Jaemin didn’t say anything else. He didn’t _know_ what else to say.

What was he supposed to do with that information? Analyze it? Because that was exactly what he would do that night when he couldn’t sleep because of the heartburn that wasn’t really heartburn and was just his feelings from thinking about Renjun’s entire existence.

* * *

Jaemin was sure grateful Mark was a dense roommate who was never around because he was usually busy at the studio with Taeyong. He was grateful he was always tired when he got home and could only manage to take one sleepy shower before throwing himself onto his bed and disappearing for the rest of the night. If it weren’t for that, Mark would probably question the loud ruckus coming from Jaemin’s room late at night when he couldn’t sleep; He would probably ask why Jaemin tended to walk around the house during those long and sleepless hours of the late night, looking as distressed as anyone could, while chugging down entire glasses of milk.

Unfortunately for Jaemin, his gratefulness wouldn’t last long because that same night after the day that Donghyuck had hunted him down and harassed him about his feelings—okay, that wasn’t what happened, but it might as well have been—Mark would finally not pass out after coming home from a very tiring, Mark Lee, day. And when Mark was sitting in his room, on his bed, scrolling mindlessly through his phone, he would hear Jaemin’s perfectly timed, late night distress session, and would walk out of the room to make sure no one was breaking into the house.

Jaemin didn’t blame him, really, it was his fault for always making such a loud clatter while looking through the fridge for the milk and through the cabinets for a glass cup. Still, he wished Mark hadn’t hit him with that bat as soon as he closed the door to the fridge because how was he going to explain to people that the reason he had a black eye was because his dumb roommate couldn’t use basic critical thinking skills and figure out that a robber would most likely not raid the fridge, if there really was one. Which there was not because it was just Jaemin being, and he can’t emphasize this enough, distressed over his feelings that deprived him from his much needed sleep.

But the point was, Mark had shrieked as soon as Jaemin closed the fridge door which triggered Jaemin to shriek as well, right before Mark’s flight of fight kicked in and he swung the bat, and Jaemin yelled out a series of curse words as he fell to his knees and clutched his eye.

Mark stared at Jaemin breathlessly and wide-eyed. “What the hell?! Jaemin?!”

Jaemin understood Mark was shocked and all, but did he not care that he was on the floor in pain?

“I thought you were a robber.”

“Yes, Mark, because a robber would definitely raid our pitiful, sad and empty fridge. That makes absolute sense.” Jaemin scoffed sarcastically.

Mark sighed and let the bat drop. “Do I even want to know why you’re awake so late at night?”

Jaemin pondered whether he should tell Mark or not. He had already been confronted by Donghyuck earlier about his feelings, did he really need to go through that twice? But Mark wasn’t like Donghyuck and, though the two had been best friends for ages, they had completely different approaches to not just these types of things, but everything in life. Maybe advice from Mark would give him a different view, different perspective. Maybe Mark would be able to shine light on something new that Jaemin haid failed to notice during those sleepless, analyzing nights.

After all, Jaemin had moved in with Mark because he was responsible, a great thinker, a good friend and—really, Mark was in desperate need of a roommate after Lucas moved out to go back to Hong Kong for a year, and Jaemin just so happened to be searching for somewhere to live near the school so he wouldn’t have to commute. Not to forget, Renjun and Jeno went behind his back and got themselves their own apartment together and didn’t bother to tell or invite him until he was already setting up his room at Mark’s. Still, Mark was a lovely roommate. And yes, half of the reason was perhaps because he was never there, but even when he was there for a full day on the weekend, or during spring break, it was nice. Just two leo bros chilling or something like that. Because Mark was a chill guy.

Speaking about the whole roommate situation, Lucas was coming back soon and Jaemin hadn’t found himself another place to live yet.

“Is this about Renjun?”

Jaemin blinked. What? Oh. “Donghyuck told you, didn’t he?”

“He called earlier to say I owed him ten bucks. Although, I think I technically won, because you didn’t realize your feelings in high school like he said you would. Donghyuck argues you hadn’t started college yet and the three years weren’t up, making my point invalid.”

Jaemin shook his head, finally getting up from the ground. He walked up to the fridge and reached for the frozen peas. Was this really all they had? _Who_ was in charge of grocery shopping? Oh, _he_ was. Usually he did that with Renjun, though.

Renjun liked to argue that Jaemin wasn’t responsible or trustworthy enough to go grocery shopping on his own because he would only get junk food and, if it were up to him, he could just live off of caffeine. Truth was, Jaemin could cook. He was a decent cook and, at some point in his life, he used to cook for anyone close to him, which was typically Jeno because wow that boy could not get enough of his cooking, and Jisung because he was unarguably his favorite child (also, Jisung could not cook to save his life and liked to pester Jaemin whenever he wanted). But Jaemin also wasn’t very organized and if it wasn’t for his usual scheduled grocery shopping dates—they weren’t actually dates, he just liked to think of them that way—with Renjun, Jaemin would forget to go to the store.

 _Aaaaaand_ he also just liked to act like he was helpless so Renjun would help him.

There was a time when they were grocery shopping and Jaemin couldn’t remember what dumb question he had asked at the moment just to see that glint in Renjun’s eyes when he began to explain, but he had finished off his explanation with a sigh and a, “What would you do without me?”

Jaemin had leaned in close, his typical grin plastered on his face, and said with his utter most sincere heart, “I could never survive without you.”

Renjun hadn’t reacted much, just turning to face the other way and moving on to the next subject as he pushed the cart. He had probably known Jaemin was sincere and Jaemin understood if that scared him. Because it scared him as well.

Jaemin closed the freezer, bringing the bag of peas to his eye as he turned to face Mark. “I want to say I can’t believe you two placed a bet on my feelings, but then again, I couldn’t expect anything less from a pair of best friends that share one brain cell.”

“You saying I share a brain cell with Donghyuck is actually very insulting,” Mark said, holding his index finger up in disapproval, “but I’m going to ignore that so we can talk about your feelings.”

Mark was at this point sitting at the kitchen table, hands clasped together as he looked up expectantly at his roommate. Jaemin sighed, begrudgingly taking the seat across from him, still holding the bag of peas against his now bruising eye.

“I don’t want to talk about my feelings,” Jaemin grumbled like the child he was around Renjun.

“I think we need to talk about your feelings, and I think it’s important to start with, why don’t you tell Renjun instead of, you know, avoiding him?”

Jaemin snorted.

“I don’t understand why people think that’s such a good idea. I mean, what Renjun and I have right now is good. It’s all good. We’re good. Doing fine and stuff. I don’t want to risk it with my hormones.”

Mark shook his head. He was judging him, Jaemin could tell him, and his ego didn’t like it.

Jaemin had a big ego. Bigger than he liked to admit.

“You haven’t talked to Renjun in a week because you almost kissed him, how is that good?”

“Donghyuck told you that too?” Jaemin was going to have to have a serious talk with his friend about privacy and rules of friendship, starting with _don’t tell others your friend’s secrets_. But really, Jaemin brought it upon himself. You tell one, you tell the other.

There was one time when they were in the fourth grade that Jaemin accidentally set the fire alarm off in the cafeteria after leaning against it because he was too tired to stay standing straight, waiting in line for his food. He had told Donghyuck during recess later on that day that it was him who caused the commotion in the school that resulted in even the firetrucks and firefighters showing up. Donghyuck had sworn to secrecy, but Jaemin would soon learn Donghyuck was a bullshitter who was not to be trusted when he told Mark, his best friend since birth, who was a grade above them and on the student council and a hall monitor—a pretentious role, if you asked Jaemin. Point was, Mark was a goody-two-shoes who couldn’t bat a blind eye, and Jaemin had to help wash dishes in the cafeteria for a whole month after that.

Thinking about it now, it was funny because it all turned out well in the end, seeing how they were even roommates now, sharing oxygen and many friends. Maybe even underwear.

“Look, Jaemin, you may say you’re scared of your friendship being ruined, but do you think your fear stems from elsewhere?”

Jaemin pondered the idea for a moment before looking back at Mark with a blank look and shaking his head, no.

Mark sighed. “Jaemin, are you scared of rejection?”

Jaemin didn’t say anything. He couldn’t say anything. What was he supposed to say when Mark had hit the target just like that? He knew him too well. That was it, Jaemin had to eliminate Mark. Jaemin could not have someone going around, knowing him so well like he was some encyclopedia with a table of contents for Mark to pull up random facts about him and study them so he could use them against him in moments like these.

But Mark had already figured it out, so what was the point in denying it?

“I like him too much to face that kind of rejection. Yes, I’m scared our friendship would be broken, not because I think he nor I would make things awkward if we dated and broke up, or if he found out about my feelings, but because I would not be able to handle it. Rejection from anyone, but especially him, would break me, and I wouldn’t be able to distance myself from him even then, constantly putting myself into a place that would break me even more.”

And there it was, Jaemin’s confession. He didn’t know what else to say, he felt embarrassed to even say what had been on his mind since that karaoke night that Renjun blessed his ears.

“Jaemin,” Mark sighed, and Jaemin didn’t like the look he was giving him. It was too pitiful. Too embarrassing for him. And he knew Mark probably didn’t know how to respond to that which made it all worse because, if even the great Mark Lee, solver of everyone’s problems, didn’t know what to say, then Jaemin’s feelings truly were sad and pitiful and he was stuck. “Look, I know you may fear rejection, and you are completely valid, because rejection is scary to think about, but what you’re doing right now isn’t helping you either.”

Jaemin groaned. Mark was right. Avoiding Renjun wasn’t helping anyone, was it? He wanted to argue it wasn’t hurting anyone either, but not seeing Renjun was worse than any rejection he could face. Or, he wanted to think that, at least. Truthfully, Jaemin just lived off of Renjun, and he was too tired to think any further, so when Mark and him parted ways that night, he prompted himself to text Renjun, telling him to clear out his schedule for him the following day so they could go grocery shopping together.

And then he fell asleep.

* * *

Jaemin could vaguely remember the first time he met Renjun. It wasn’t spontaneous or movie-like, and it definitely wasn’t love at first sight. It was just—basic. The two had met somewhere around the start of middle school, when Renjun had just moved into the area with his family and he started attending school with him and the others. Jaemin and Renjun weren’t even in the same class at the time, and he only met him through Donghyuck who showed him around the school and made him sit with them at lunch. Turned out he shared all core classes with Jeno, and some electives with Donghyuck and Mark.

Jaemin didn’t think much of it back then. He honestly didn’t care much for Renjun and the only thought he spared him at the time was the thought that he sure was damn pretty. But other than that, the boy never entered his mind and it was all very awkward when Jeno and Donghyuck would start talking about whatever great joke Renjun told during third period that day and what a hilarious guy he was. Jaemin wasn’t jealous. Ha, of course he wasn’t. 

What would Jaemin have to be jealous over? His friends spending more time with Renjun than with him? Or his friends being able to know Renjun better than him? Whatever, Jaemin definitely hadn’t been jealous.

But Jaemin would admit, during those times, he definitely felt excluded sometimes. Donghyuck, Jeno, and Mark—all of his friends—knowing someone that he didn’t? There were a series of inside jokes he didn’t get, and nothing bothered him more than when they were walking down a street and Donghyuck would point at a plushie and say, “Hey, Renjun would totally love that,” and everyone else would nod in agreement and keep on walking as they talked about the boy. Or when they would all be having a conversation during lunch, and Jeno would go, “Oh yeah, Renjun told me about the thing. Did he tell you guys about the thing as well?” And then they would all go ‘yeah’ and start talking about whatever stupid thing they were talking about.

But no, Jaemin wasn’t bothered. Jaemin was fine. So what if there were suddenly a hundred jokes he didn’t get and a hundred conversations he couldn’t join, just because they revolved around the boy only he didn’t know? No. It didn’t bother him at all.

Jaemin liked to think he wasn’t petty.

But the facts proved otherwise.

While Jaemin’s supposed friends were kissing the ground which Renjun walked on, Jaemin grew closer to his next-door neighbor, Jisung, who was only two years younger than him. And as a result, he also grew closer to Chenle, who was Jisung’s best friend and who was also continuously tagging along every time Jaemin tried to do something with Jisung. But he didn’t mind, really. The two were younger than him, but that mostly meant there were more fun times spent together.

And Jaemin could hardly notice how excluded he felt whenever his friends would talk about Renjun. Really, truly, honestly.

Then, it happened.

Jaemin had known the recently transferred Renjun for a whole year before they finally became what could be considered ‘friends’ in Jaemin’s book. Maybe even more than friends, maybe best friends. Because that moment when Renjun walked into class that first day of school and looked around, eyes locking with Jaemin after scanning the area, Jaemin knew.

Jaemin didn’t exactly know how he knew, and he didn’t know what it was that he knew, but he knew.

And when Renjun walked up to him, asking if the seat next to him was empty, Jaemin was sure if he opened his mouth he would stutter and instead answered with a nod of his head and a push of the chair with his foot.

It was awkward. It was horribly awkward, and every soul in the room could probably feel it. That was an exaggeration, but Renjun liked to call Jaemin dramatic for a reason. But still, it was awkward and there was no better way to explain it than by constantly repeating that it was awkward.

Renjun and Jaemin had talked, sure. If you called five seconds of interaction during lunch for an entire year, talking. Really, they would mostly just nod at each other every time they were with their other friends. Donghyuck would be walking down the hall with Renjun, while Jaemin would be walking down with Mark, and somewhere in the middle of the kid-filled corridor, the two groups would collide and they would all say hi before heading off to class. A smile and a nod exchanged between Jaemin and Renjun before they would move on with their day without having to interact with each other again. Sometimes, if there was really progress between the two, they would even exchange small talk, a few simple words of ‘How are you liking your classes?’ and ‘They’re quite nice’ and ‘That’s cool’.

It should have all been okay, right? It should have been bearable, not completely killing Jaemin from inside out, making him tense in every way possible to where he felt like he couldn’t even breathe comfortably next to Renjun, right? Wrong. There was one thing about this time that had set it apart from every other time the two had ever interacted. They were by themselves. There was no Donghyuck to walk in, throwing an arm around both of them before apologizing for leaving them alone while going to the restroom. There was no Jeno to talk about common interests the two could share, not so subtly trying to tell them they should be friends. And there was no Mark to just talk on and on, being completely oblivious to the awkwardness of the two almost-strangers until it was completely washed away.

It was Jaemin and Renjun, then. Two almost-strangers sitting next to each other in second period art. Jaemin wasn’t even supposed to take art. Why the hell would he? But apparently there were a lot of mix ups with schedules that year, and Jaemin would not be able to switch out of the classroom until he was called down to the counselor’s to discuss his scheduling problems. So, for now, he would have to suck it up and act like he didn’t feel so awkward around Renjun.

It was hard, though, because they were both so aware of how awkward things were between them. They had never had a conversation that lasted longer than two minutes together, and they had never been left alone with each other for such a long period of time. And, though it was unspoken of by both, they were definitely both well aware that the only reason they were sitting next to each other was because they felt obligated by the bond that was their mutual friends.

“So, how are you liking the first day of school?” Jaemin asked, and he wanted to slap himself right there and then for sounding so forced.

Renjun looked shocked, like he wasn’t expecting Jaemin to talk to him at all. He looked around for a moment, as if there were anyone else that Jaemin could be directed at, but it was rather dumb of him because they were the only two sitting at their table.

And when Renjun finally realized there was no one else around for Jaemin to talk to, he had this look that Jaemin found somewhat endearing. “Oh,” Renjun finally spoke, “well, it’s only the second period. Can’t really say much there.”

Huh. He was sarcastic like they said. Almost funny, even.

“Right,” Jaemin said, “so, how is your morning going? The weather sure is lovely, huh?”

There was a tug at the corner of Renjun’s lips, as if he knew Jaemin was just trying to make conversation. And there was a moment of silence where the two just stared at each other before they both smiled, being well aware of how awkward and forced everything was between the two and because it was just so ridiculous. And then, with this mutual understanding of how ridiculously laughable things were between them, it suddenly wasn't so awkward.

“I checked with the others this morning, and I didn’t end up having any classes with them besides homeroom,” Jaemin said, pulling out his schedule from his pocket and unfolding it.

“Same goes for me,” Renjun said, also pulling out his own schedule from his backpack. “I suppose that means we have homeroom together as well.”

Jaemin looked over at the schedule that remained next to his own and snorted. “Looks like we don’t have just homeroom and art together.”

Renjun glanced at him before looking down at his schedule, and what do you know, they had more than just two classes together. Not even three, but four, consisting of homeroom, art, math, and history.

Jaemin almost smiled—no, he _smiled_. To himself, of course, because as soon as Renjun turned to look at him, the smile was wiped off and he was looking around the room, acting like he was looking for the teacher.

And it was really as simple as that. The teacher went over the syllabus, Renjun told Jaemin he had a love for art, Jaemin didn’t tell Renjun about his schedule problems, and the two walked to their next class together, because, well, they had it together.

And as it turned out, Renjun wasn’t such a bad guy. He wasn’t a bad guy at all. In fact, he was a great guy. Yeah. A great guy.

Maybe it was then, when Jaemin’s growing crush began. Maybe it was even further back than that, somewhere between the first time they met, and that point where they first _met_.

Maybe at some point, Jaemin had stopped being jealous over Renjun stealing his friends, and had begun to grow jealous over his friends knowing Renjun better than he did. But this was a chance, a new point in what was soon to become a friendship. An opportunity for Jaemin, and the starting point of a growing crush.

Jaemin and Renjun grew quite close in just one day. They went through art together, they went through math together. And when they went to homeroom, the midpoint of the day, where they would find Jeno and Donghyuck, and where they would encounter Mark during lunch, they were all surprised to see them walking in together, even laughing as they made their way over.

“Did something happen during the summer?” Donghyuck asked, turning to Jeno. “Did we miss something?”

Jeno had shrugged and Jaemin and Renjun had glanced at each other before shaking their heads.

“I feel like I’m missing something,” Mark had said as soon as he saw the two during lunch and noticed a different atmosphere around them. His eyes squinted, scanning the two, before he shrugged and went back to eating.

Then, the two had to part ways, going through the rest of the day without seeing each other until history came around, the last period of the day, and Renjun had to wake Jaemin up more than once.

And not even a month later, the two would have become almost inseparable. Jaemin didn’t know what was different, and he often wondered what it was that made the two become friends so suddenly. Perhaps it was time, perhaps it was the activated potential that was always there for their friendship, dormant for a year before that one day. Perhaps they had just needed to spend more than five minutes alone together, and perhaps the four hours or so a day which they spent each and every day after that helped a lot. But the two clicked, and there was no other possible way for Jaemin to explain what they had.

During art, Jaemin would often sit and watch Renjun work on the latest assignment with small, soft rambles and compliments in between, before messily trying to complete his own with possible help from Renjun. In math, Jaemin would pout and whine when he didn’t understand something until Renjun would finally turn to him and give him the attention he wanted, explaining everything detail by detail. Sometimes, it could be the other way around. Renjun not understanding something that Jaemin did, and Jaemin showing Renjun, a soft and admiring smile tugging at his lips as he examined the determined look in Renjun’s eyes. And then there was homeroom, the time of the day where they would release all of their inside jokes for Donghyuck, Jeno, and Mark to stare in confusion, not understanding what the hell Jaemin meant by, “that one time in history you did that thing," or what Renjun meant by, “Okay, but that project you did for the unit exam in art, we can’t forget that.”

Jaemin and Renjun had grown so close through the year, at some point Donghyuck even whined about how annoying the two were and how he hated Jaemin for stealing his cool new best friend away from him. Jaemin had rolled his eyes, throwing an arm around Renjun before saying they had to head to history, and sticking his tongue out at Donghyuck before dragging his new best friend away.

Maybe that was what four hours a day (not counting the extra time outside of class) together did to a person, maybe it was just a special bond—a special connection for just the two of them.

Jaemin would never be so sure, but he sure as hell enjoyed it.

* * *

“Why are you wearing sunglasses? You look like an idiot.”

Jaemin sighed, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket before he walked down the steps and made his way over to Renjun who was waiting by his car at the bottom of the stairs that led to his apartment. He didn’t know why he had been so nervous to see Renjun once again. The first words that came out of his mouth as soon as he saw him after a whole week let him know nothing had changed. Things between them were as normal as ever.

“I look like more of an idiot without them,” Jaemin said as soon as the two were inside the car.

“Okay, well I’m not walking into the store with you looking like that,” Renjun said, though he started the car anyway.

Jaemin groaned, tossing his head back. His hands reached up for the shades, and he reluctantly pulled them off of his face, shutting his eyes tight. Renjun gasped.

“Don’t make fun of me, please,” Jaemin said, opening his good eye to see the other’s reaction. Yup. He should have kept it closed. “Don’t laugh.”

Renjun’s hand was covering his mouth, but Jaemin could see the crinkles at the corners of his eyes and the tugging of the corners of his lips. “I’m sorry, but what the hell happened to you?”

“Just drive.” Jaemin closed his eyes, resting his head against the seat. “Mark hit me with a bat last night because he thought I was a robber, even though any normal thief would not raid our empty fridge.”

Jaemin hated the snort and giggle which Renjun tried to contain with failure. Hated it, because even if it was Renjun laughing at him, Jaemin couldn’t help but smile at how cute Renjun was. Fuck, Jaemin was too far gone.

“Why does Mark even have a bat?” Renjun asked as they pulled up into the store’s parking lot.

Jaemin unbuckled his seat-belt and got out of the car at the same time as Renjun. “Lucas left it behind or something.”

Renjun hummed, walking over to the other side of the car so they could walk down together. Jaemin glanced over at Renjun, finally getting a good look on his face for the first time that day, for the first time in a week. _Fuck_ , he was beautiful. Damn beautiful.

Renjun’s hair was growing out, and it wasn’t long before he would go get it cut, Jaemin knew because the boy never liked the way it got in his face when he had work to do, but he wished he would leave it as is. That was another thing they were different in. Jaemin could care less for how long his own hair grew out, even if it left his vision at a disadvantage. Renjun said it was annoying because he could never tell if Jaemin was looking at him or not through that hair, but maybe that was an advantage to Jaemin. He also thought it made him look like a prince, so in conclusion, Jaemin’s hair was also growing out and he did not care at all.

“Oh right, Lucas is coming back soon, huh?” Renjun asked as the two began to walk to the entrance of the store.

Jaemin had to pry his eyes off of Renjun’s face, and it was only harder forcing himself to not look back instantly. How did he do this before? Right, he couldn’t. That was how the whole world found out about his crush. Was _crush_ the proper term? Perhaps not, but for now, in fear that referring to it as something else would result in even stronger feelings, Jaemin would have to settle for calling it a crush. Wait, Renjun asked a question.

“Yeah, which means I have to move out soon.”

Jaemin looked around as Renjun went to grab a cart. What aisle to first? He should have made a list. Jaemin didn’t like making lists, though, unless it was about Renjun, of course. He had plenty of those lying around in his room, crumbled up on the floor from the nights he spent trying to put his feelings into words. It wasn’t possible, he had decided. There was no possible way to put his feelings into words, and that was another reason he could not confess, ever. He would probably stutter and no other words but, “You’re pretty,” would be able to come out of his mouth. Because, really, that was all it came down to.

Renjun was pretty. Everything about him was pretty. His face, his voice, his laugh, his lips, absolutely everything and anything about Renjun was pretty. From that very first day his eyes caught sight of the small boy with the fluffy hair and sparkling eyes, that was the only way Jaemin could describe Renjun. Pretty. And now that his feelings were increasing at an alarming rate with each passing day, that was still the only way he could put his feelings into words. Renjun was pretty.

Jaemin didn’t know if he thought Renjun was pretty because he liked him, or if he liked him because he was pretty. Sure, that first day he saw him he thought he was pretty, but it was just that. Pretty. Now, it was _pretty_. Yes, there was a difference.

Jaemin had once watched a drama, with Renjun, _Reply 1997_ , and there had been a part where the girls of the friend group asked their corresponding love interests why they liked them. All of the guys had replied with one answer, ‘Because you’re pretty.’ Jaemin had scoffed. What a dumb answer that was, he had told Renjun. But then one of the guys answered differently. It was the gay one who was crushing hard on his best friend—Jaemin could relate—and in his mind, because of course he couldn’t say it out loud, he answered with what Jaemin at the time thought was the most beautiful and poetic confession ever:

“The reason I like you? Because it’s you. Just you. That’s the only reason. I wish I knew. Then I could figure out how to stop liking you. If I can’t avoid it, I only want one thing. To stay as a friend who doesn’t change. For heartache. For love.”

Now, Jaemin still thought it was beautiful and poetic. But it wasn’t him. That wasn’t how he felt about Renjun. Jaemin liked him because it was him, of course. If it were anyone else but Renjun, Jaemin wouldn’t like them, that much was a given. But he still thought he was pretty, and his feelings could only be expressed by so little besides that. And unlike that life-changing quote from the drama, Jaemin didn’t want to figure out what made him like Renjun to stop liking him. In a way, he knew why he liked Renjun. He knew he was pretty, maybe not to many others, but he thought so and it was how he felt. And as much as his crush hurt from time to time, Jaemin could never wish for it to go away.

Just like that one song Renjun had sung once, his feelings made him feel like he was dreaming. And that was a feeling Jaemin would not trade anything for.

But there was something that the quote got right about his feelings. Even as a friend, Jaemin would remain by Renjun’s side. Through heartache and love, as long as it was at Renjun’s side, it was fine.

“Why don’t you just move in with me.”

There was nothing for Jaemin to trip on. Absolutely nothing. He wasn’t even walking. He was just standing there, thinking about his crush on his best friend. It was tragic. It was embarrassing, and when he turned to look at Renjun, he figured he must have realized what he said and must have felt the same, because he was blushing and looking away with wide eyes.

Renjun cleared his throat, and quickly shook his head to clear up any misunderstandings. “I mean, why don’t you move in with Jeno and I, if you really have nowhere else to go.”

Jaemin also cleared his throat and took hold of the cart. He began to push through the aisle, trying his best to shake off any awkwardness that was left by that previous suggestion of Renjun’s. He was sure Renjun was aware of what he asked and how it may have sounded, and Jaemin really shouldn’t have thought about it as much as he did but—fuck.

“I mean, Donghyuck has also been talking about moving in, so if you did too that wouldn’t be so bad.” Renjun continued on explaining, and Jaemin didn’t want to read into it, but it all sounded like excuses to him. “And we _have_ been struggling with the rent this past month because I’m still looking for a new job and—"

“Donghyuck and Jeno are dating.”

Renjun stopped his rambling.

“What?”

Jaemin looked down at Renjun and almost regretted it when he saw that the shorter friend was staring up at him with an almost dazed look, searching his eyes for an answer. Jaemin didn’t look away, he could never. He could never look away, no matter how intense the burning in his chest could get, it always had to be Renjun, the first to look away.

“Donghyuck and Jeno are dating, so it makes sense for them to want to live together,” Jaemin responded, and now he was starting to feel stupid because what the hell was trying to imply with that?

Renjun looked perplexed. He opened his mouth to respond, but Jaemin’s gaze must have been too intense, because he looked away, eyes shifting around. “I-I think we should restock the ramen, because sometimes you get too tired to cook real food, and Mark never goes out of his way to cook for himself during the few moments he’s home.”

Jaemin didn’t know what to say. He had made things awkward. He was awkward. That was it. He had spent so much time away from Renjun—it was only a week, but to him, it was a long drought that lasted centuries—that he couldn’t even function properly around him anymore. Not that he really ever _had_ functioned properly around Renjun anyway.

“We should also stock up on cereal.”

Renjun nodded, but didn’t say anything. It was awkward.

Since when were things awkward between them? It had been so long and—it felt like those days. The days where they couldn’t be left alone with each other for more than two seconds without feeling like every word they spoke was carefully calculated down to the tone it was spoken in.

How did they stop being awkward? Jaemin couldn’t remember, it was all a blur.

“Do you remember when we became friends?” Jaemin asked as they walked down an aisle. Renjun only hummed, turning the can of corn in his hand before placing it back.

“Art, second period, seventh grade.”

“Right,” Jaemin nodded, “but do you remember _how_ we became friends?”

Renjun tossed a can onto the cart before he turned to look at Jaemin. His eyes were scanning again. It was a thing he tended to do when he was trying to get inside Jaemin’s head, trying to understand what the hell was going on in there.

“Why do you ask?”

Jaemin couldn’t answer. Renjun wasn’t really looking for an answer, anyway, and he turned around, walking down the aisle once again. “We just—clicked. You know that. When we finally stopped making things awkward, and came to terms with the fact that the only reason things between us were awkward was because we felt like they should be since we didn’t know each other even though we shared mutual friends, well, we were able to stop making things awkward and—we clicked. I think we always had it in us, but that awkward wall that no one but ourselves built was preventing the potential of our friendship from developing.”

That was it. What Jaemin hadn’t been able to put into words, Renjun could. And that was why they clicked so well. Why they fit like two pieces of a puzzle—not two pieces that were far apart from each other, covering completely different areas of the picture, but those two pieces that created the puzzle. Those two pieces which were the most identifiable from the start, clearly belonging side by side. The two pieces of the puzzle which you placed down first, building everything up around them. The ones which sometimes, because of manufacturing effect, already came together. Because they just fit.

Where Jaemin failed with words, memory, art, history, conspiracies—Renjun was there. Where Renjun failed with math, feelings, expressing—Jaemin was there. There was no other way to put it.

“Lucky Charms, right?”

Jaemin smiled. “Do you even have to ask?”

Renjun didn’t have to ask, because whatever Jaemin said, he knew Renjun would place down Honey Nut Cheerios anyway. Because if Lucky Charms were chosen, Jaemin would only eat the charms, and that wasn’t healthy.

Yeah. They clicked.

* * *

Jaemin should have been used to it, but every time it happened, it just made it harder for his feelings, for his heart. Of course Renjun cared about him, of course he would show his concerns for him, of course he would take notice of the small things. Jaemin always did the same, so why shouldn’t Renjun? Why should it come as a surprise if a friend shows how much he cares by taking notice of the small things.

There must have been something wrong with Jaemin. There must have been something wrong with the way he read and looked into the bare minimum. Oh no, god forbid Jaemin was one of those that settled for the bare minimum. If he was even close to that, someone take him out of his misery, please.

But if it was Renjun, was it really the bare minimum?

What the hell was Jaemin even thinking at this point?

Anyway, Jaemin would always notice the little things. Like whenever Renjun felt uncertain about his hair, of course Jaemin would notice right away and reassure him, telling that he looked good. Of course, that could be biased because Jaemin had this filter that automatically made Renjun equate to pretty in his mind. But Renjun didn’t need to know that.

The point was, Jaemin cared and he never failed to express it. He was the expressive one in the relat—in the friendship. But despite whatever others could think, first glance at their friendship, Renjun was expressive too, when it came to how he felt about Jaemin—in a very friendly, platonic way, of course.

Jaemin could recall his last birthday, a few weeks before the karaoke night that made him realize his feelings for Renjun. It had been minutes before they headed out to meet with the others to celebrate, when Renjun had walked into his room and handed him a bag of sugar. Said it was for his coffee and emphasized how expensive it was. And then he walked out.

After that, Jaemin couldn’t concentrate. For the rest of the day, whether it was opening up his other friend’s presents, blowing out the candles on his birthday cake, or eating dinner at a fancy restaurant which they all pitched in for—Jaemin’s mind was stuck on Renjun and his gift. It was silly, really. Expensive sugar was a nice gift, sure, but was it something to leave Jaemin unable to think of anything else? Yes. Because intentions mattered.

Much like his feelings for Renjun, it was impossible for Jaemin to pinpoint the exact moment he got addicted to coffee. Maybe Renjun would remember if he asked him, but he didn’t think he wanted to know.

Saying Jaemin’s addiction to caffeine was a problem was an understatement. Jaemin didn’t just drink coffee, he _lived_ off of it. Trying to keep track of how many espresso shots he consumed a week was impossible—though, maybe Renjun could calculate it if he asked—and Jaemin would admit to it. He knew it was a problem. A sick addiction that he should have gotten rid of the moment it started. But Jaemin couldn’t help it. Espresso gave him energy, and at this point it might as well have been like eating to him. Kind of like how plants need sun to make glucose or something, he didn’t know, he failed biology freshman year of high school. He had once used that argument with Renjun in a sad attempt to reason his caffeine addiction, and Renjun had slapped him, telling him that was why he failed biology and was stuck in a class with a bunch of freshmen as a senior, retaking it for the credit.

Renjun hated his coffee addiction, and he was quite vocal about it too, that was no surprise. All of his friends were the same. However, none of them had acted on it besides Renjun.

Very much like Jaemin with coffee, Renjun was the same with tea. Especially Jasmine tea, _damn_ Renjun and his Jasmine tea. Jaemin had once tried to reason that coffee to him was like tea to Renjun, which earned him another slap and a lecture from the other on why the two were not comparable. Something about tea being calming and relaxing and good for the body and mind or something. He wasn’t sure. He spent the entire time staring at Renjun in a daze, thinking about how pretty he was even when he was mad.

Renjun always got mad at Jaemin over his addiction. Jaemin didn’t blame him, he would be the same if Renjun was constantly injecting harmful chemicals into his body despite his lectures. And Jaemin wouldn’t lie, he found it endearing, the way Renjun would get so mad over Jaemin’s health that way.

There was one time in high school, probably senior year, when Renjun had thrown out all of Jaemin’s coffee supplies and had replaced them with tea supplies instead. A whole pot and everything, very similar to the one Jaemin had gotten him for his birthday not long before.

Jaemin was touched, he truly was. He loved that Renjun cared about him that much, he really did. But that didn’t stop him from buying more supplies behind his back, and from going to starbucks a couple of times a week when Renjun was at the library. He found out eventually, Jaemin could never hide anything from his best friend for that long, whether it was him admitting his wrong-doings, or his best friend knowing him too well.

Renjun didn’t say anything when he saw Jaemin holding that Starbucks cup, which scared him because Renjun’s silence equated to Renjun’s anger— no, something worse than Renjun’s anger. Renjun’s disappointment.

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it,” Jaemin had said, instantly tossing the cup into the trashcan.

“It’s fine.”

That was all.

Jaemin had never felt so guilty in his life before. He would have rather had Renjun prepare a thirty-slide lecture on the deadly effects of caffeine, or maybe even a scolding. But this, no. This was torture.

That was when Jaemin cut down his daily caffeine intake. Maybe to others it would not have been much, but to Jaemin it was a lot. And maybe Renjun felt the same way, because he didn’t pressure him much anymore after that. A few comments here and there, but that was all.

Until that birthday gift.

“If you’re going to keep drinking so much coffee, at least have it be sweet instead of that monster drink of yours.”

Jaemin cut down his coffee intake even more after that. He loved coffee, but Renjun was more important. Renjun was the only person who could achieve so much with him.

Again, the two just clicked.

Jaemin was very much like the espresso-filled coffee that he loved so much: Energizing. He was either in deep focus, or just out of it. He acted on impulse and rambled, never giving actions much thought before committing them. He was also alert often, eyes scanning the room all the way around in search for something which he could never figure out. Maybe caffeine had done him bad. But it was what it was.

Renjun, on the other hand, though, was very much like his tea. Relaxing and calming. He was calculating, thoroughly thinking everything out before acting. He was a deep thinker, eyes constantly searching for answers in places where no one else would think to look in. And, to Jaemin at least, he was comforting and easing for his mind.

The two were contrasting, but it was nice. They fit well together.

And, once again, Jaemin liked that. Because Renjun helped control him. When Jaemin was out of it, when he was addicted to something, when he was in crisis, Renjun was always there. And for some reason, no matter how many times Renjun proved it to him, it shocked Jaemin to the core every single time.

* * *

Jaemin liked to stare, that was no secret. To others it may have been a problem, but he didn’t mind. Rather so, he liked it. He liked his stare. It could scare off people. It could attract people. It was an immense amount of control, all lying in his eyes. However, it did have its downsides. Sometimes, Jaemin had absolutely no control over it and it was hard to turn off—usually when it came to Renjun. It was a whole problem of its own, and after all those years Jaemin should have really learned how to handle it. But after all this time, Jaemin would still find his gaze trailing off to his best friend, his face, his eyes, his lips, tracing every last feature, studying and taking it all in as if he didn’t have it all memorized already. And every time he stared at Renjun, tracing every single feature, it was as if it was the last time he were to see him and he was trying to remember every last bit of him before they had to part.

Longing. Pining. Yearning. That was how Donghyuck had described his stare once. Jaemin couldn’t argue. He _did_ long. He _did_ pine. He _did_ , dramatically so, yearn _._ And he couldn’t help it. Jaemin couldn’t stop his stare, he couldn’t stop himself from staring at Renjun.

Truthfully speaking, Jaemin’s stare was just a tease before. He did it to Jeno, Jisung, Chenle—anyone who breathed around him got the stare, simply because he liked seeing others flustered. It was only logical that Renjun would get the same, but Jaemin was a fool. Just a little tease, was all it was supposed to be. Jaemin’s stare was never anything to be taken seriously, especially when directed at friends, but Renjun was something else.

One glance, and Jaemin was gone. He was a sucker. He was truly and utterly enchanted, and it was always so hard for him to look away, and sure he could play it off and Renjun would buy it as Jaemin being Jaemin, but he made it seem easier than it was. Through time, looking away had become harder and harder, and Jaemin had to use every last bit of force left in him to pry his eyes away from Renjun. Still, he was a fool and he looked every single time. He knew the consequences, but like a magnet, he couldn’t help it.

A tease, it was just supposed to be a tease. But he longed, and it showed in his stare.

And then there was one thing that made it exceptionally harder on Jaemin, and that was reciprocated gazes. When Renjun would look back, Jaemin could never find it in him to look away. It wasn’t because he was confident, it wasn’t because he wasn’t dying inside, it wasn’t because he wasn’t flustered—because, despite popular belief among his best friends, Jaemin wasn’t as confident as he seemed, and he sure did get flustered—but rather so, Jaemin could never look away because he was stuck, frozen in time, enchanted by Renjun’s gaze. So the other had to look away first to spare Jaemin the pain.

But there were those occasions—the rare instances in which Renjun did not look away, and Jaemin’s mind was left to malfunction. Because how was someone supposed to react to their crush staring back with those eyes that they loved oh so much? The eyes that held the galaxy, the universe, in them?

 _Say_ something, _do_ something, Jaemin could never find it in himself to act properly during those rare moments.

And right now, was one of those moments.

Sure, Renjun was only looking because Jaemin’s eye was purple, almost black, and he wasn’t the only one staring, there were plenty of stares to go around at the grocery store. But Jaemin was still stuck—frozen.

Jaemin had once watched an episode of Sponge-Bob where the character had a bunch of little hims inside his head, sorting files of information and running things up there like an office. Jaemin couldn’t remember why, but in that episode, the little Sponge-Bobs had a freak out and everything was burning up there as they ran around in Sponge-Bob’s head. That was how Jaemin liked to think his mind looked like when Renjun stared back. Little Jaemins, running around in his head, freaking out because nowhere in those late nights spent awake thinking about Renjun, had the thought of the boy staring back ever popped up as a possible occurrence.

“Does it hurt?” Renjun asked, hand reaching up to touch Jaemin’s eye.

Jaemin flinched, not because it hurt, but because Renjun’s touch burned his skin, igniting this fire in him, in his chest.

“Sorry,” Renjun said, hand instantly retracting.

 _You dumb fuck, you had a chance_ , Jaemin could hear one of the little hims yelling.

“It’s fine.” Jaemin cursed himself for sounding so weak, so dazed. But Renjun just always left him so breathless and _fuck_ he couldn’t look away again.

“I think you should get that checked out,” Renjun said, starting the car. “I’ll take you to Yuta, if you want.”

Jaemin frowned. “Yuta?! Who the hell?”

“Mr. Nakamoto, you stupidhead, he’s my doctor, remember?” Renjun said.

“Since when do you refer to him by his name?”

“Since he started dating my cousin.”

“Does he even know about eyes? Shouldn’t we see an eye doctor for that? Or do they only know about vision? Why are there so many different kinds of doctors? Like, do you think there’s a doctor that specializes on black eyes-”

“Put your seat-belt on and shut up.”

* * *

“So, your roommate hit you with a bat because he thought you were a thief raiding the kitchen at one in the morning?”

Yuta leaned back against the cabinet, arms crossing and a very bemused look on his face.

“I never said he was bright.” Jaemin shrugged, legs swinging back and forth.

Yuta nodded and scribbled something down on his clipboard. “Uh huh, well, you should go to the pharmacy to get these, it will help with the swelling and the pain. But for being hit with a bat, your eye is pretty lucky. Could have been a lot worse.”

“I never said he was strong either.”

Really, it was one of those softer bats. The kiddie kind. Not the wooden ones.

Jaemin took the slip that Yuta handed him and began to scan it. Ugh. Doctor handwriting.

“What do I owe you?” Renjun asked, leaning away from the wall as Jaemin hopped off his seat.

Yuta shook his head, clicking his pen and placing it in the pocket of his white coat. “Just make sure to boast about me to your cousin, and take better care of your boyfriend.”

_Fuck._

Jaemin could not count how many times he and Renjun had been mistaken for a couple without using at least four hands. It was a common misconception that the two were often met with, and they understood, they really did. They were always together, they shared knowing looks, they were practically telepathically connected, and it was a common thing that they should have been used to. But no matter how many things they got it, they still continuously reacted with the same awful awkwardness.

“Uh, we’re not-”

“Yeah, friends-”

“Not dating-”

“Only friends-”

“Friends.”

“Yeah.”

“Uhm.”

Yuta stared at the two and if the story about Mark hitting Jaemin with a bat didn’t already leave him confused, their reactions to his mistake only had him looking even more perplexed, frown etched on his face. He was judging, Jaemin could tell. He would too, because what kind of normal and platonic friends reacted like that to a simple mistake? Mark and Donghyuck used to get it all the time, and they always laughed so hard it set the record pretty straight. Then, Jeno and Donghyuck also began to get it and—wait, that was how they got together, wasn’t it?

Donghyuck and Jeno had been in class senior year, there was a sub, they were talking, and the sub asked if they were dating and they shook their heads. Jaemin and Renjun had watched from across the room with much interest, bumping each other’s shoulders as they giggled at their friends.

“But do you two want to date each other?” Mr. Kim was always a nosy sub.

Neither Donghyuck nor Jeno had responded. It was rather awkward to watch, because Mr. Kim was obviously kidding and just messing with them, but it was also awkwardly painful to watch because Renjun and Jaemin both knew their friends liked each other. And when Jeno started acting dumb, suddenly pretending to take interest in the math problems assigned for the day and acting like he didn’t hear, Jaemin had sighed and shaken his head in disapproval, while Renjun facepalmed.

And then Donghyuck was only looking at Jeno, getting more and more flustered by the second because he obviously wanted his friend to say yes.

“I’m just messing with you two,” The old Mr. Kim had chuckled, resulting in a fit of laughter coming from Renjun and Jaemin’s side of the room when— “And what about you two, eh? Are you two dating?”

“Oh us? Oh no... we’re just uh-”

“Yeah, just, you know, uhm-”

“Haha, friends, yeah, haha-”

“Totally, like, haha, the bestest-”

After school, on their way home, Donghyuck had finally had enough of Jeno talking about whatever nerd thing he was talking about that day, as if that whole chaos hadn’t occurred earlier. And he had done it. He asked him straight-up what his silence meant earlier that day.

And like the awkward dumbass he was, Jeno had stupidly asked, “What do you mean? When?”

Jaemin and Renjun, who trailed off behind the two, had once again sighed and shook their heads in disapproval, majorly from the oblivious look on Jeno’s face that showed he clearly had no clue what Donghyuck was talking about, proving even further that he was an idiot.

“When Mr. Kim asked if we wanted to date? Why did you act dumb and not respond?”

Jeno had stopped walking and, in result, everyone else did the same.

Renjun and Jaemin couldn’t blame Donghyuck’s frustration. It had been ages since Donghyuck had shown he was clearly interested in Jeno, but the same could not be said for the other. Donghyuck dropped hints left and right and at that point, all that was left was for him was to carry around a sign that said, ‘I like Lee Jeno,’ in bold letters, waving it around the school—and even then, Jeno might not have noticed.

Renjun and Jaemin knew Jeno liked Donghyuck back, of course, it was obvious in the way he treated him so differently from everyone else. The way he would lean in to ask Donghyuck questions in a soft voice, distant from everyone else so it was only Donghyuck’s ears that were to hear. What kind of questions he would ask, no one else but Donghyuck would ever know, and that was how Jeno intended it. It was also evident in that smile. It was so soft, it made everyone in their friend group sick. Really, Donghyuck could have been ranting about absolute nonsense, and Jeno would have that stupid soft smile. Because Jeno’s feelings for Donghyuck were discrete and subtle, but only because they were so soft.

So, yeah, Donghyuck was valid in his frustration and—

“I didn’t want you to confess my feelings for you like that.”

Renjun and Jaemin had gasped loudly, clutching on to each other in pure shock. Donghyuck’s jaw dropped and it was funny, because what else was he expecting for Jeno to say? “Sorry, I don’t like you like that?” Then again, maybe it was a Jeno thing to do.

Point was, Donghyuck and Jeno had gotten together because of an occurrence like that, and yet, here were Renjun and Jaemin. Still acting the same way as they did back in the seventh grade when they had first received the question from Jisung who Jaemin had just introduced to Renjun.

“But you’re Jaemin, right?” Yuta had asked, pointing over at the boy, the same puzzled look on his face. “Sicheng said-”

“Haha!”

Jaemin was startled by Renjun’s laugh, suddenly turning to look at his friend with wide eyes. What was so funny?

“I just remembered something very funny,” Renjun said, turning to look at Yuta. “Something that my cousin said about you and the thing, you know, _the thing_ , right Yuta?”

Now, Jaemin and Yuta shared the same look.

“I don’t think I follo-”

“Well, Yuta, thank you and I will make sure to tell my cousin that you were very nice to us, and we should really get going, okay? Bye!”

Jaemin didn’t have time to say anything else before Renjun was already pushing him out the door and down the hall. What the hell was that?

“Don’t listen to Yuta, he’s crazy, he literally pined after my cousin for a whole year before he even glanced his way,” Renjun chuckled. It was a rather awkward chuckle, but Jaemin wouldn’t think too much about it. He was too distracted with Renjun’s words.

“I can relate,” Jaemin thought to himself.

There was silence and Jaemin had to stop and turn to look at Renjun who was giving him an odd look—oh. He didn’t just think it, did he?

“What do you mean, you can relate?” Renjun asked. He was doing that thing again, that thing where he searched Jaemin’s eyes, looking deep and burning his soul. Searching for answers.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck _fuck._

Quick, what to say, what to respond? Jaemin’s mind was not working. It was empty up there, completely blank, and there was no solution coming up. He was screwed. He had fucked himself over. And Renjun was only staring deeper, waiting for the answer which Jaemin did not have.

Okay, Jaemin was an A+ bullshitter. He was a total expert at it, yes, he had learned that long ago. In times of crisis, just open your mouth, start talking, and believable bullshit will spur out, yes, he could do that now. It had never failed him before, he was sure it wouldn’t fail him now.

“What I meant by that was-”

Oh _fuck_ he was screwed. Nothing was coming out. No made up bullshit was spurring out at the moment and Jaemin kept cursing in his head as if that would do anything. Spoiler alert, it did nothing.

And then there it was. Jaemin’s savior, the shining light in a moment of crisis: Renjun’s phone.

The two shared a look before they both glanced down at Renjun’s phone.

There was a moment of hesitance before Renjun glanced at the contact and answered. “Yeah, Donghyuck?”

Renjun and Jaemin made eye-contact again, but it wasn’t so awkward or intense this time. It was a normal look of, ‘What the hell does he want?’ and ‘What the hell am I supposed to know?’

“Lunch? Right now?” Renjun glanced at Jaemin one more time. “Alright, I’ll be there soon. With Jaemin.”

* * *

“So, what is this about?” Renjun asked as soon as he walked into the restaurant and sat across from the couple. Jaemin followed behind and took the empty seat beside him, pretending to not notice the glimmer in Donghyuck’s eye when he saw him next to Renjun.

“What happened to your face?” Donghyuck asked.

Jaemin sighed. “I’ll tell you in a bit. But Renjun asked a question.”

Jeno and Donghyuck exchanged a look before shrugging.

“Donghyuck and I have decided, and we both think he should move in.” Jeno clasped his hands together on the table, giving the appearance that he was making a deal. He must have been, though, because talking about a third member moving in was something that roommates needed to discuss first, especially in the circumstances in which said member was dating one of the two roommates.

Of course, Renjun and Jeno had talked about it before, only briefly when Donghyuck decided randomly that he wanted to move in and mentioned it one night that they all hung out together. Renjun, being the good friend that he was, said he didn’t mind. That was about as far as the conversation had gone then, and no one cared enough to bring it up again. But this time, the situation was different. Donghyuck was being serious about moving in.

Jaemin glanced over at Renjun to see his reaction. The shorter guy was nodding his head, eyes shifting back and forth between the couple.

“Alright.”

The answer took the entire table back by surprise. Jeno and Donghyuck exchanged a look and Jaemin raised an eyebrow, taking a sip of his drink.

“That’s it? I thought we were going to discuss this.”

“Like I said before, I don’t mind.” Renjun picked up his own drink and took a sip. “Donghyuck can take the spare room down the hall after we clear it out, and as long as you two don’t showcase your relationship too much while I’m around, it doesn’t make much difference. Besides, we need help with the rent.”

“Great, I’ll move in next week.”

Jaemin glanced around, scanning all of his friend’s faces. Small smiles appeared on all of them, and there was only one thing left to do, he thought. Jaemin picked up his drink and held it up in the air. “I think this calls for a celebration, then?”

“To the new roommate,” Donghyuck said, picking up his own drink and holding it up next to Jaemin’s own. The other two followed and soon the four friends found themselves eating with conversation filling in the empty air, similar to when they were students in high school just a year and a half ago.

“So, Jaemin, why don’t you move in as well, isn’t Lucas coming back soon? I don’t mind sharing my room with you.” Donghyuck spoke in between chews.

Jaemin momentarily stopped eating his own meal and glanced over at Renjun who acted like he wasn’t interested in the conversation. Jaemin hoped he was.

“I already received the offer.”

There was silence between the friends, with only Jaemin and Renjun eating while Jeno and Donghyuck exchanged a confused look. Jeno shook his head, signaling that it wasn’t him who gave out the offer, and then they both turned to Renjun who made no eye-contact.

“Are you going to take the offer?” Jeno asked.

Jaemin glanced over at Renjun once again, who still seemed more interested in his hotpot than the conversation. “Maybe. I haven’t had the chance to look elsewhere, yet.”

Jeno and Donghyuck glanced back at Renjun once again. Still, the boy did not show much reaction.

* * *

Jaemin didn’t like to ponder the idea of Renjun liking him. Of course, the thought still popped up from time to time, consuming more space in his mind than he would like to admit. But he always settled for pushing the idea out of his head—for the time being, at least—and moving on with his life, thinking that it was almost impossible for his best friend to reciprocate his feelings in that aspect.

Jaemin didn’t like being consumed with the idea. If the thought slipped into mind and if he let it sit there for too long, he would think and analyze. And thinking led to overthinking, and analyzing led to over analyzing. Jaemin didn’t want to do that. If he did, he would somehow convince himself that he had a chance, that there was hope. He would delude himself into believing that there could be something there, something more than nine years of friendship or so that made them grow fond of each other in ways that they weren’t with the rest of the friend group. Because if Jaemin deluded himself like that, and if he had hopes, he would not hesitate to make a move. And then he would get his heart broken.

Mark was right, when he said Jaemin feared rejection more than he feared losing his friendship. Yes, Jaemin feared ruining his friendship, but rejection was sure a scary thing to face. But not rejection from anyone, but rejection from Renjun. It would be awful, and if any ideas were to come to mind, Jaemin should eliminate them as soon as possible before they spread like a virus and suddenly there was no turning back.

But a virus needed a host. It needed something to latch on to. And it needed something to activate it before it spread.

Jaemin had learned that in a business computer apps class. He didn’t know why he needed to take that class, and he didn’t know why that was the only thing he could recall from those four months of torture, but it was. He remembered so clearly, a virus could be placed in a device, it could spread fast, like wildfire. But it needed that activation. Usually, if it was in a file, to say for the sake of the example, the owner of the device would have to click on the file for it to be activated. At least, that was what Jaemin thought? He couldn’t remember, he didn’t stay awake in that class very much and if the only thing he could recall was how a virus worked, then perhaps his memory was faulty. Then there were also the viruses in science, but again, he failed biology his freshman year of high school.

But the point was, Jeno was that activation. The activation that Jaemin needed for that thought to slip in and spread like a virus, like wildfire. The thought that Renjun might like him back.

“You know, he must really want you to move in if he even asked.”

Jaemin stopped walking, turning to look at one of his many best friends. He glanced over at Renjun and Donghyuck who were walking along the street, talking loudly about something that Jaemin would never know, laughing as if one of them had just told the funniest joke ever.

“Well, I suppose a good friend wouldn’t want me to end up on the streets, right?” Jaemin asked, resuming his walk.

Jeno shook his head.

“No, see, that’s the thing. You still have enough time to find yourself another place, we already have Donghyuck as a roommate, and you know Renjun always feels awkward doing favors like that and it takes him a lot to do it. Do you get what I’m trying to say?”

Jaemin looked back at Jeno who was giving him _that_ look. Fuck. “Oh gosh, Jeno,” Jaemin said, groaning as he tossed his head back, “not you too. You know what? I already heard it from Mark and Donghyuck, I don’t need it from you as well.”

“I don’t know word for word what Donghyuck and Mark told you, but I can assure you, as a taurus, my advice is worth more than a gemini’s or a leo’s.”

“I see Donghyuck got you into astrology as well, now.”

Jeno shrugged, but continued with his attempts to convince Jaemin that his best friend returned the feelings that Jaemin had been struggling with for months.

“Jaemin, tell me, have you ever genuinely considered the idea that Renjun might like you back?”

Jaemin stopped walking and glanced over at Renjun once again, who was still chatting along with Donghyuck who had an arm around him. The day was ending and the sun was setting, creating this beautiful atmosphere and casting a glowing light over the fairy-like boy. He was so damn stunning.

And yes, Jaemin would love to call Renjun his. He would love it if he liked him back.

But that idea seemed so distant. As distant as a midsummer dream. As distant as an 11:11 wish whispered into the starry night sky.

“If I allow myself to think about it for too long, I don’t know what I might do.”

Jaemin did not take his eyes away from Renjun, and he could feel the gaze that his friend cast him—judging him, probably. In his peripheral, Jaemin could see Jeno shaking his head.

“I believe Donghyuck tried to convince you that Renjun might like you back, and you completely refused the idea, if I’m not wrong.”

Jaemin turned to look at Jeno once again, but not for long because he was whipped and his eyes were too attracted to Renjun. “You’re not wrong. He failed.”

“Let me try, then,” Jeno said as the two began their walk again, keeping a distance from the other two so they wouldn’t hear them, but not too much to where they were out of sight, “any moment now, Renjun is going to turn around to make sure you’re still around and he’s going to hold this longing look, much like the one you always give him, as if we weren’t all just together literally five minutes ago and as if you aren’t a few steps from reach.”

Jaemin scoffed, rolling his eyes at his best friend. There was no way— _No._

It had to be some sort of sick trick set up by Jeno and Donghyuck. It had to be, it just had to be. But even Jaemin wasn’t stupid enough to convince himself of that, and he knew what he saw.

Just like Jeno had said, Renjun had momentarily stopped laughing at whatever it was that Donghyuck was talking about, and his head tilted to the side, and his wide grin from laughing softened into a small smile when he spotted Jaemin and there was this look in his eyes and Jaemin suddenly couldn’t breathe and the stupid heartburn was back and he was sure he was going to fall to his knees and—

“Fuck.”

Jeno smiled, and if Jaemin weren’t already feeling so weak, he would have slapped his friend, but he couldn’t. He was weak. Jaemin felt drained, absolutely drained, and his heart was beating real fast and Renjun hadn’t even looked for so long, but it had all slowed down and _fuck_ that sounded corny as hell and Jaemin trully was on his knees for this boy.

“You and Donghyuck set it up,” Jaemin spoke, shaking his head in disbelief.

Jeno snorted.

“Please, even you don’t believe that.”

“How did you know?”

Jeno smiled again, and Jaemin was really ready to slap that smug grin off his face, because only he was allowed to do that.

“It’s funny how hard it gets to see the signs when you like the person. You think everything they do that shows they might like you back is just you deluding yourself and overthinking. But if you allow yourself to stop thinking like that for a moment, it becomes easy to notice the signs.”

Jaemin hated Jeno. He hated the smug grin on his face. He hated the tone in his voice. He hated how reasonable he sounded.

It was funny, because Donghyuck had already tried this. He told Jaemin about the signs that were there, but honestly, Jaemin had long stopped taking Donghyuck seriously. Probably that day he told Mark about the fire alarm. But Jeno, now he was different.

Jaemin had known Jeno as long as he’d known Donghyuck. The three had met in pre-k, and they became inseparable that day long ago. But Jaemin’s friendship with Jeno was different from his friendship with Donghyuck. Through the years, Donghyuck had become a friend that came and went, sometimes leaving them to hang out with Mark before the two knew the boy who was one grade above them. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, friends needed distance sometimes, and Donghyuck being the loud extrovert that he was, had a lot of close friends to jump back and forth with. Jaemin and Jeno didn’t mind, they understood that.

But during those times, when Donghyuck would hang out with Mark instead of them, or when he would get busy becoming besties with seniors like Jaehyun, it was always Jeno and Jaemin. They weren’t the loudest combo, that was no secret, and they didn’t always understand each other, Donghyuck said it was the leo-taurus combo, but they were good friends.

Jeno tried his best to be reasonable and understanding when Jaemin was loud and dramatic, and after so long of that unchanging dynamic between the two, Jeno had come to be the best friend that was most likely to make Jaemin see things in a different light. He wasn’t brutally honest like Donghyuck, and he wasn’t subtle like Mark. He was this weird mixture in between that said enough to let Jaemin know without hurting his feelings. Although, if Jaemin was being overly dumb and unreasonable, over and over again, Jeno would not hesitate to push him towards the truth.

In conclusion, if Jaemin were to listen to anyone, Jeno was the guy.

And right now, Jeno was the guy to make Jaemin open his eyes.

“Just, for the next few times that you see Renjun, forget about your feelings for him, and watch closely. Not in an over analyzing way, but in a different light,” Jeno had said.

And Jaemin really wished he hadn’t listened to him, because after that, he couldn’t stop looking.

And perhaps, Jeno was right.

* * *

After his awakening talk with Jeno, Jaemin couldn’t stop thinking. Which he knew, overthinking was exactly what Jeno told him not to do, but he couldn’t help it. He stayed up late that night—nothing new there—thinking about Renjun earlier that day and the way he turned and smiled so softly when he spotted Jaemin not too far behind.

Had Renjun always looked at him that way? Had he always smiled at him that way? Was this all just a figment of his imagination? Was this all some sick and cruel joke set up by Donghyuck and Jeno? No. It had to be real, and no matter how much Jaemin tried to convince himself that it wasn’t, he knew it was.

Renjun had looked at him, with an all too familiar look in his eyes, and with an all too familiar smile on his face. It was all too familiar, because Jaemin knew it so well. It was the way he looked and smiled at Renjun. Yes.

No. It couldn’t be real, Renjun couldn’t reciprocate his feelings. Except, it had been real and Jaemin had to stop pushing away the idea that perhaps his feelings were returned.

Why was Jaemin so scared of the possibility of Renjun liking him back? He should have been elated. He should have been jumping up and down in pure happiness, feeling pure bliss. But there was still that thought, that scary idea, that this was all just in his head. That Renjun didn’t actually like him back, and he was just deluding himself, and if he tried to confess he would be faced with rejection after convincing himself that Renjun liked him back already.

Because nothing hurts more than having hope only to realize, you never stood a chance. And it was so much easier to think that he didn’t stand a chance, and to convince himself that he was happy where he was at.

Except, Jaemin wasn’t happy.

So what was he supposed to do then? Think about the possibility of Renjun liking him back? He supposed so.

Jaemin wished he could go back to seventh grade, to the times when he and Renjun first became friends. Things were so simple then, when they were young and foolish and not in love—correction, the times when _he_ wasn’t in love (Renjun had never gotten to that point, he assumed).

Love. Yes, that was what it was, Jaemin had realized for the first time that day when Renjun looked at him like, well, the way he looked at him.

It had probably been love for ages, and Jaemin knew that. He had his predicaments already, long ago, that his feelings weren’t just a crush, or a ‘like’, but something bigger. But he hadn’t admitted it to himself, until then.

He was in love. Madly in love.

_Fuck._

Jaemin wondered how sixth-grade-Jaemin would have felt if he knew Renjun would soon become the love of his life. Disappointment in himself? Complete and utter disbelief? Maybe, just maybe, he would feel proud—not of his feelings, he’d be crazy for it, but of how they came to be. In sixth grade, Jaemin would have never imagined himself becoming friends with Renjun, much less so becoming _best_ friends with him, and even less so, falling _in love_ with him. That wasn’t a bad thing, though, because Jaemin from the present was pretty sure Jaemin from sixth grade had a slight crush on Renjun.

So, maybe Jaemin from sixth grade would be elated to hear he got somewhere with his crush. And maybe he would shake his head in disappointment over what a coward present (or was it future?) Jaemin was.

This was all too much. He was thinking too much.

Jaemin was in love with his best friend—he had been so for ages. And there was a chance the feelings were not unrequited—he needed to admit it.

Perhaps it was the lack of sleep, perhaps it was the caffeine, Jaemin wasn’t sure. He had once read something on an instagram post about how being tired and sleep deprived made people more vulnerable to tell the truth, and Jaemin wasn’t sure if he should have trusted that post because instagram was a place filled with shitposts, but that was what he chose to blame his vulnerability on that night.

And without much thought—because Jaemin rarely thought before acting—he pulled out his phone and went straight to his favorites contact list, to Renjun’s contact.

There was a ring, and Jaemin let out a shaky breath.

There was another ring—and then there was an answer.

“Jaemin?” Renjun’s voice came through, and Jaemin had to use all willpower to stop himself from sighing loudly—in disappointment or in relief, he didn’t know.

“Hey,” Jaemin all but breathed out.

There was some shuffling heard in the back, and Jaemin assumed Renjun was sitting up on his bed.

“Jaemin, it’s three in the morning, why are you still awake?”

He didn’t know how to answer. What was it that he had wanted to say? His mind was a blur and he looked around his room in a sad attempt to find something that would give him a clue— sad attempt, because everything was dark besides the lamp at his desk beside his bed, barely illuminating the scattered sheets of paper.

“I could ask you the same question.”

Jaemin settled for the middle school answer.

He heard Renjun sigh.

“I can’t sleep much these days.”

Jaemin’s heart did a thing, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he had anything to do with Renjun’s sudden sleepless nights.

“Why?” Jaemin asked, almost breathless—and now he was certain he needed sleep.

There was silence on the other end, but Renjun was still there. He could hear his breathing.

Jaemin was sure Renjun was going to answer, but a new wave of sleep-deprive hit him and he suddenly became more vulnerable and found himself talking again.

“I wanted to hear your voice.” Bold. Very bold. He was definitely going to regret that in the morning.

Renjun was still silent, but this time it didn’t last long. “What?”

“That’s why I called,” Jaemin elaborated, before restating himself, “I wanted to hear your voice.”

“I-” Renjun was just about to speak, but he cut himself off and Jaemin could already imagine his flustered face. And maybe Jeno was right. “Jaemin-”

“Do you remember that present you got me for my last birthday? The—as you overly emphasized— _expensive_ bag of sugar?”

There was silence on the other end and Jaemin was sure Renjun was confused by the sudden change of topic. Even Jaemin was confused, not entirely sure where he was going with it.

“Yeah, I remember,” Renjun finally said, and Jaemin wass sure it sounded as breathy as his own voice. Light and airy, careful and calculating, possibly weak.

“Why? Why a bag of sugar?”

Again, Jaemin wasn’t sure where he was trying to take the conversation.

Renjun so much as laughed at the question, probably thinking Jaemin was about to play a joke or something. “Are you going to pout over the gift now? Really? Look, Jaemin, it really was expensive and like I said, your coffee is overly hideous and bitter—”

“I liked it,” Jaemin cut off the other, and silence came once again. The silence was starting to get annoying. “I liked the gift. I really, truly did.”

A small ‘oh’ came from Renjun and Jaemin had to wonder if he was taken back that much that it was the only thing he could push himself to say. “ _Oh._ Well. Then, I’m glad you liked it.”

“I haven’t been drinking coffee much lately.”

That was a lie. Truth was, Jaemin’s caffeine intake had dropped a tremendous amount after Renjun’s actions that expressed his hate for the crazed addiction. They dropped even more so when Jaemin came to terms with his feelings for his best friend. But recently, the past two weeks or so, there was a jump once again. He wasn’t proud of it, and he tried to hide it as much as he could. He had been so proud of his drop, he was ashamed and didn’t want any of his friends to point out the wishy washy events of his addiction.

“I noticed,” Renjun said, much to Jaemin’s relief, “and I’m proud. Really.”

“Thanks, I really tried.” Jaemin wasn’t sure if he was genuine or sarcastic. Both, probably.

“May I ask what happened?”

Renjun sounded calculating—no, _hopeful_.

Hopeful? Hopeful for what?

As Jeno had told him, Jaemin put things into perspective, he shone a different light on the conversation, under the circumstances. He tried to be objective. He tried to forget for a moment that he had intense feelings of ‘like’ for his best friend. He pushed it all aside, and thought deeply. And when feelings were forgotten and there was only the conversation and circumstances at hand, there was only one conclusion; Renjun was hopeful, because he wanted to be the reason. He wanted to be the reason behind Jaemin’s sudden control over his caffeine addiction. He wanted to be the reason for Jaemin, the one which made him try.

And why would Renjun want to be the reason? Perhaps— _perhaps_.

“Why do you think? Of course it’s because of—”

“Jaemin! Have you told Renjun about—”

Jaemin’s eyes went wide and his phone dropped to his lap as he looked up with wide, horrified eyes. Mark looked back at him with an expression that showed he was confused, before his eyes trailed down to the phone that sat on Jaemin’s lap, facing up.

“Jaemin? Was that Mark? Hello?” Renjun’s voice came through the line and Jaemin and Mark only stared at each other horrified.

“What did Mark mean by tell me about—?”

And as fast as he could, in a panicked reflex, Jaemin’s hand reached for the phone, pressing the red button to end the call.

“I didn’t know,” Mark said and Jaemin could hardly bring himself to roll his eyes, before Mark added, quite sheepishly, “at least I stopped myself before I went too far.”

Jaemin opened his mouth, ready to scold Mark for barging into his room at such ungodly hours of the night—morning—when his phone began to ring and they both looked down.

Renjun was calling.

“You should answer.”

Ring.

“I’m not answering.”

Ring.

“He won’t be able to sleep if you don’t.”

Ring.

“ _I_ won’t be able to sleep if I do.”

Ring.

“You don’t sleep anyway.”

Ring.

Jaemin looked down at the phone, lips pursing as he thought about it.

Fuck it.

Before the phone could ring once again, Jaemin’s hand reached down to take the phone in his grasp, and his thumb swiped over the green button. He glanced at Mark and nudged his head in the direction of the door. Mark seemed to get the hint and headed out right as Jaemin answered, “Hey, sorry about that.”

“Yeah, uhm, what _was_ that?”

Jaemin’s tongue grazed over his lips as he tried to come up with a reasonable excuse.

“What did Mark mean? Were you going to tell me something?”

There was a tone in Renjun’s voice and it was one that Jaemin could recognize. That same hopeful tone with a touch of exasperation and an even more underlying tone of desperation. Perhaps, Jaemin knew what Renjun wanted his answer to be. Perhaps—he was using that word a lot. But Jaemin wasn’t trying to state anything, he was only trying to be suggestive. If he found himself wrong—he didn’t want to be too hopeful.

But, had Renjun always had that underlying tone? Sounding like he wanted hope, sounding urgent, in a way? Yet also sounding hopeless? In terms of feelings, in terms of wanting to know what was going on inside Jaemin’s head—had it always been that way? Jaemin wondered if this was what Jeno meant. Detach yourself for a moment and see something new, something that had been there all along.

Jaemin thought back to that look, the one that Renjun always spared just for him. The one where he seemed to search his eyes, trying to find an answer to his reasons, his motivations, trying to figure out what the hell it was that went on inside his head. Yes, _that_ look, the one that made him go mad because it was a rather endearing look when he thought about it. And like that tone in Renjun’s voice, it seemed like it was Renjun trying to figure out Jaemin’s feelings for him. Similar to the longing looks Jaemin gave Renjun, and the breathy questions—calls for help—asked in moments of desperation. Maybe, like those looks and questions for Jaemin, that’s what that underlying tone, and that questioning look were to Renjun. Calls for help, a, “Please, tell me you like me. Give me a sign, just one, to let me know there’s a chance.”

Then, a memory came to mind. Long ago, when they were fourteen, going through puberty with their voices cracking every five minutes—especially Jaemin’s—and they reeked so bad every time they went over to Renjun’s after school because they had gym last period, and Renjun’s mom would make them hang out in the basement until the smell was tolerable. There were many moments spent down there, in Renjun’s musty basement with nothing much but board games meant for four players or more and excruciatingly big puzzles with missing pieces for entertainment.

There was one day in particular, the one that was clearest in Jaemin’s memory, when the two had been down in the basement as usual, working on a puzzle that never seemed to end. Jaemin was lazily assembling the outer edge while Renjun concentrated a little too much on the main picture.

“Do you ever get bored?” Renjun had asked after a good ten minutes of silence.

Jaemin glanced up, scanning Renjun’s face, before he went back to the pieces he was working on. “Of what?”

“Of this,” Renjun replied rather vaguely, before expanding, “of working on puzzles all day, every day, only to find that there is one last piece missing? Of playing random board games, making up our own rules because the instructions are long gone and the games aren’t made for two players?”

Jaemin placed one last piece down before he stopped and hummed, as if he was giving Renjun’s words some thought. But he didn’t need to ponder it, really, because he had his answer.

“Of course not, these moments are the highlight of my day,” Jaemin spoke, already going back to picking out the edge pieces from the pile.

Renjun looked at him, Jaemin could see through his peripheral, but he did not dare look back.

“Really?”

 _Then_ , he looked back.

At that time, Jaemin hadn’t thought about it much—he supposed he didn’t like Renjun enough then to overthink things, probably having his feelings under control a lot better then than now.

But if he thought about it now, there must have been a reason that particular day stood out more than any other—that particular moment. That particular look. There was something in Renjun’s gaze, and Jaemin wondered if that was where it came from. His farthest back memory of that look, that searching gaze. Searching for answers, wondering eyes, trying to understand Jaemin—what went on in that mind of his—and his feelings. It was quite reasonable, that was the first time Jaemin noticed that look. Only, then, he barely understood it and shrugged it off.

“Yeah, I mean, I like lunch with the others, don’t get me wrong—and library times with Jeno can be exciting (just kidding, they’re boring), but this is different.”

There was something else in Renjun’s look, something more hopeful.

“This is like, calming and stuff,” Jaemin said, pulling his eyes away from Renjun once again, “like, two friends winding down from their long and tiring days at school.”

There wasn’t any response and Jaemin glanced back at Renjun, but by then he was already looking away, a somewhat disappointed look on his face.

Yes, disappointed, Jaemin could see that now. Back then he had acted like he didn’t notice the change in demeanor of his friend, and he had shrugged it off as being bored and tired of the damn puzzle. What even were those puzzles? It had been so long, Jaemin didn’t remember—or, maybe it was never the puzzle which he paid attention to. Because who cared about the puzzles when Renjun was at his side? Calming and relaxing? Bullshit. Jaemin had just liked the fluttery and satisfying feeling he would get from sitting next to Renjun for so long, even if just in silence, and maybe Renjun had felt the same. But he had lied, then, telling him it was just two friends in a calming atmosphere.

And he would lie again, now.

“I just wanted to ask if you wanted to hang out tomorrow—uh, today, you know, since it’s technically tomorrow already. But yeah, that’s what I was going to ask, and Mark knew because I asked him if it would be okay for you to chill here tomorrow.”

 _Please buy it,_ Jaemin thought to himself. He knew it was unreasonable, and very unlikely for Renjun to buy it, though. Mark was almost never around, and even when he was, Jaemin wouldn’t bother telling him about his plans for the day, even if they included inviting a friend over. And Renjun knew that, of course. He had been over enough to know that Mark was hardly ever around and to know that even when he was, he didn’t mind his presence. But still, Jaemin hoped Renjun wouldn’t push.

“Alright.”

It was short and simple and there was a different underlying tone this time—it sounded too deflated for Jaemin’s liking.

But then, it became pretty clear. The chances of Renjun liking him back were reasonable. The signs were there, and as Jaemin came to the hypothesis, he decided he would put it to the test when he and Renjun met up later, after they had slept and woken up.

Sleep.

Jaemin really needed sleep.

* * *

It was some ungodly hour of the afternoon when Jaemin’s sheets were pulled from his sleeping form and he was stripped of his body pillow—it wasn’t actually a body pillow, it was just another one of his giant plushies that Jeno liked to claim he didn’t sleep with—and Jaemin was left whining at the sudden emptiness he felt, arm reaching out to grasp something—anything—he could find on his bed.

“I am Renjun who brings light into the world!”

Oh, right.

Jaemin rolled around to the other side of his bed, an eye opening to look at Renjun just as he pulled the curtains and the sunlight of the blazing sun shone through, blinding Jaemin and sending him curling up in his bed as he hissed and covered his eyes.

“You are sad,” He heard Renjun’s voice closer to his side.

“Says the one who just always has to make an entrance by introducing himself as the bringer of light,” Jaemin spoke, muffled by his pillow.

“At what time did you go to sleep?” Renjun asked, and Jaemin could almost see his eyeroll. “We stopped talking at four, or so, and it’s been twelve hours since then.”

Jaemin peeked from his pillow and blinked up a couple of times, his vision focusing on Renjun’s face while his eyes adjusted to the bright light. Oh, it was _late_ in the afternoon already.

“I don’t know, I gave up trying to go to sleep at around six, and then I made myself coffee, reasoning I might as well stay up for the rest of the day—”

“Of course you did,” Renjun spoke with a roll of his eyes.

“—and funny enough, I knocked right out like a baby as soon as I finished my cup. Suppose it’s like when a child drinks milk before going to sleep. Calms you or something. Must be science.”

Renjun gave him a look that was a mix of amusement and disgust, before he picked his body pillow up and launched it at him.

Jaemin groaned as he rolled around dramatically, being over dramatic as usual, whining about, “Fuck, Renjun, I’m dying. I’m literally dying. Oh no—I think you might lose the greatest best friend you could ever ask for—you’re losing him—oh, I’m dead. You’ve lost me.”

Jaemin laid sprawled out on his bed like a starfish, and when he didn’t hear anything he peeked open an eye, instantly catching sight of the raised eyebrow and the rather displeased look on Renjun’s face.

“Are you done yet?” Renjun asked after a few seconds of silence.

Jaemin sighed and rolled himself off from the bed and stood in front of Renjun who was staring up at him, the same look on his face.

“Alright, just let me brush my teeth and get changed, and then we can work on a puzzle or something,” Jaemin said, walking over to his closet.

“A puzzle? Are we suddenly fourteen again?” Renjun asked as Jaemin began to go through his clothes.

Jaemin glanced back, noticing the look of amusement on Renjun’s face, before he went back to his clothes. He needed to do his laundry, he noted.

“Yeah, unless you have something better in mind?”

There was silence, and Jaemin peeked another glance. Renjun was biting his bottom lip, seemingly lost in thought. He was cute.

“Alright, let’s work on some damn puzzles.”

* * *

Puzzles were never Jaemin’s favorite thing. He never really understood what was so interesting or fun about puzzles. You just spent two hours and thirty-five minutes of your life working on assembling a picture (not a worthy one either), congratulations, now you have to spend less than a tenth of the time that it took you to put it all together to take it all apart to stuff into a box before setting that box on a shelve to collect dust for ages before being used once again to waste another two hours and thirty-five minutes of your life. Not to forget, for some reason his fingers always came out hurting in the end. He figured his big hands just weren’t made for the small pieces of 500 piece puzzles. Maybe the 25 pieces ones—the ones for the kids—would be better suited for his larger hands.

But Renjun liked puzzles—found them calming or something even if he was always the one that got frustrated in the end, leaving Jaemin to finish them for him—and by association, Jaemin had to like puzzles when they were fourteen too. He would have rather done anything else, those days spent in the basement. When Renjun had first suggested working on puzzles, Jaemin had been ready to get up and walk out to head home. But Renjun. Nothing else. Just Renjun. And it had become a thing among the two.

And now, thinking about those days, Jaemin figured he truly was whipped from long ago. Because sitting there, in his living room, with a puzzle on his coffee table and Tangled playing in the background, Jaemin couldn’t imagine himself ever doing this out of his own free will without Renjun by his side.

He liked it—no, he _loved_ it. The moment felt intimate with such a comforting atmosphere blanketing over them, and he wouldn’t have had it any other way. Now, would he have done this with Donghyuck? Fuck no. Would he have done it with Mark? Hah.

But this was Renjun, and Renjun was different—he was special. The two could be locked in an empty white room with nothing but themselves to keep company, and that would be enough for Jaemin. Fuck, he was head over heels for the guy. And he hoped the other felt the same.

“I think I can confidently say Flynn Rider, a.k.a. Eugene Fitzgerald, is my favorite Disney prince—and you can’t say he isn’t a Disney prince, because I’m pretty sure there’s a short film or something where he marries Rapunzel, and she’s a princess, so obviously he has to become a prince.”

Jaemin pushed a very stubborn piece into its place as he finished his statement and looked up to see Renjun’s reaction. As expected, he was frowning, giving him that ‘I’m really trying to process what you just said, but I’m just wondering why you said that’ look. 

“Okay, then Aladdin is my favorite prince,” Renjun said, placing a piece of his own down.

“You can’t claim him, I already claimed him as well,” Jaemin argued, a sudden frown on his face.

“How come you get to claim two? That’s not fair, I want to claim Aladdin as well.”

“Well I can, I just did.”

“Okay, then I claim Naveen as well.”

“Wait—Naveen! I claim him too!”

“You can’t do that!”

There was silence from Jaemin’s end, which resulted in silence from Renjun. The two remained sitting there, in complete silence, across from each other on different ends of the coffee table while ‘I See the Light’ played in the background. And then, there was a smile.

The corners of Jaemin’s lips curved up and Renjun’s lips did the same. And before they knew it, the two of them were laughing loudly, hands clutching their stomachs as their heads tossed back—and for what, they didn’t know, and they didn’t care.

“Okay, but we can agree Prince Charming is the most basic and useless Disney prince—his name is literally _Charming_ ,” Jaemin said as he went back to the puzzle at hand, mindlessly trying to assemble random pieces together that obviously didn’t belong on the same side of the picture.

“Okay, but he gets a personality in the sequels,” Renjun argued, also going back to the puzzle, but very much like Jaemin, his attention being elsewhere.

“Ugh, the sequels, we can’t forget about those—Remember Anastasia and the baker? Best couple for sure. But still, Prince Charming is quite bland in the original and my point stands.”

“Okay, I see your argument, but the prince from Snow White?”

“Oh! I totally forgot about him, what the hell even is his name?”

“Exactly! Most boring prince ever in the history of Disney films. All he did was kiss a fourteen-year-old girl to wake her up.”

“If I were Snow White, I wouldn’t want to wake up.”

“Definitely. Oh my gosh, remember Anastasia?”

“From Cinderella?”

“No, we watched it together, remember? She was a princess and had to find her grandma.”

“I definitely don’t remember that.”

“I swear we watched it together, and we even discussed what a great loveline it was.”

“Nope, doesn’t ring a bell. But you do know which Disney movie I’ve been wanting to watch? I was watching this video about this movie where the princess is a thief—or she falls in love with a thief? I can’t remember. But it sounded interesting.”

“Jaemin.”

“And she had short red hair.”

“That’s Anastasia.”

“Wait— _fuck._ You’re kidding, right?”

Renjun wasn’t kidding, Jaemin could tell when the other began to laugh out loud and, before he knew it, he was laughing too—quite loudly so.

When the two’s laughter died down once again, the silence returned. It wasn’t awkward, nor uncomfortable—the two were smiling fondly as they went back to the puzzle, occasionally looking up when something interesting happened on screen.

And Jaemin was left thinking, _this is nice_ . Times with Renjun—they were nice. Their dynamic was nice. Their friendship was nice. The way they worked so well with one another, even in silence, was nice. And Jaemin wondered, would it be like this with anyone else? There was no thought needed for that answer, he knew, _no_. This was something for Renjun and him only.

The way that they sometimes broke out into a random fit of laughter over the smallest and most senseless things—perhaps they were both whipped. And it was nice.

Jaemin thought back to long ago, when they had a conversation very similar to this one when they were sixteen or so—about Disney characters and movies and such.

“Wait, there’s a The Little Mermaid Prequel?” Jaemin had asked when Renjun had informed him about the prequel to the movie they were watching—a movie which Renjun had forced him to watch with him.

Renjun hummed in response, hand reaching over to the bowl of popcorn. “Yeah, how did you not know?”

Jaemin frowned, still not believing the piece of information that had just been presented to him. “I don’t believe you, how have I not heard of this movie before?”

Renjun ripped his eyes away from the television, turning his attention to Jaemin instead. “Seriously?” He asked, eyes widening the slightest in surprise, and Jaemin thought he looked cute. “Okay, that’s it, you and I need to have a full on Disney marathon of the most underrated and unheard of Disney movies.”

And so they did, because even then, Jaemin was head over heels for Renjun and quite frankly, he thought the idea sounded romantic. Wasn’t that a thing that cheesy couples did? Marathoning Disney movies together? And Renjun also looked incredibly adorable in his pajamas, wrapped up in blankets, with that look of concentration on his face which Jaemin found oh-so endearing. So lovable that many of those times spent watching those movies which he could no longer remember, Jaemin’s eyes remained on Renjun, a soft and all too fond look on his face.

Sometimes Renjun would catch him staring—he would turn and lock eyes with Jaemin, only to quickly look away, turning his attention back to television (Jaemin figured those were only attempts to draw his attention away from him, now looking back at those moments). And sometimes, if Jaemin was lucky, Renjun wouldn’t look away instantly. He would stare back, that all too familiar, searching gaze shining bright in his eyes in the reflection of the televisions bright light. And Jaemin’s eyes would flicker down to his lips—oh, his thirst for Renjun’s lips was a thing for sure even then—and Renjun would look at him with that hopeful gaze of his and—Donghyuck may have been right.

That day, two weeks ago, when Jaemin had almost kissed Renjun in the kitchen of his shared apartment with Jeno before being rudely interrupted by Donghyuck—maybe Renjun _did_ act dumb. Maybe he _did_ want Jaemin to kiss him back. And he wasn’t overthinking it, at least he hoped. Perhaps the couple was right—not that Jaemin would ever tell them, Jeno took too much pride when it came to giving advice, and Donghyuck was notorious for saying ‘I told you so’ anytime he was even somewhat right in any given situation.

Jaemin felt a new wave of confidence, which was something that never came as a good thing for him. He had done one too many stupid things in life before, and 99% of them stemmed from him being overly-confident. He should have learned, but Jaemin never thought before acting, that had been established already. And with Renjun sitting there, looking so concentrated on the puzzle, pouting with those stupidly pretty plump lips of his—Jaemin couldn’t think straight.

The movie was somewhere near the end, and Jaemin was crawling across the carpet to the other side of the table. Renjun didn’t seem to notice, or really care, until Jaemin was sitting right beside him, staring down at him, leaning in too close for comfort. And Renjun looked up, seemingly unbothered until he noticed just how close Jaemin was. They were silent, again, as they both stared at each other, Renjun’s eyes searching, and Jaemin’s eyes longing.

Jaemin wondered if it had always been that way—Renjun so alert and aware. All that time, he had thought he was clueless and oblivious to his feelings and sad attempts at flirting with him, and the even sadder attempts at kissing him. But with this Renjun it was so clear how flustered he was, how _hopeful_ he was. Hopeful. Huh, that was nice. Jaemin liked that, he definitely liked that. The thought of making Renjun flustered and hopeful had once sounded like a dream, but here he was. The thought of kissing Renjun had also once sounded like a dream, but there they were, so breathtakingly close, yet so painfully far away.

Renjun’s lips were right there for Jaemin to take. Perhaps it had always been that way, Jaemin could see that now. Without thinking about his own feelings, everything was so much clearer. It wasn’t just his delusions stemming from hopeful wishing, but it was real. Renjun was so clearly flustered, a blush grazing over his cheeks, and hopeful glimmer in his eyes. And Jaemin wondered if Renjun begged in his thoughts for him to kiss him. If he had ‘Kiss the Girl’ playing somewhere in the back of his mind, only to get frustrated every time Jaemin would pull away.

That was endearing. _Very_ endearing to think about. Renjun wishing for Jaemin to kiss him? If this all turned out to be Jaemin deluding himself, he was going to be really mad—and he would probably cry—because he had already fallen in love with the thought of him and Renjun. Being a thing. A couple, perhaps.

And honestly? What was holding Jaemin back at this rate? It was so obvious, the signs were all there, Renjun was clearly interested, he clearly liked him, he clearly wanted him to kiss him. So Jaemin leaned in, and he was sure Renjun’s breath hitched. And he was so close, just so close.

He should have leaned in, he should have done it. He should have just pressed his lips against Renjun’s—what was holding him back?

But staring down at Renjun, who was staring up at him with _that_ look, he couldn’t help but think. And the overthinking Jaemin was back.

“Do you know who would have made a great queen, though?” Jaemin suddenly asked, already too close to Renjun for his own good.

Renjun looked up at him, a sort of dazed and lost look in his eyes as he breathlessly asked, “What?” And then a look of realization crossed his face and he rolled his eyes, knowing what was coming. “Jaemin, don’t you dare—”

“Daenerys”

* * *

“He was so close! He was right there, right in front of me! And I could have just grabbed his face and pressed my lips against his and—And what did I do? I talked about Daenerys.”

Jaemin was pacing back and forth in the middle of the empty restaurant, mind for the two boys whom he was ranting to, holding his hands up in the air in exasperation and disbelief at himself and his stupidity. And when he finally ran out of things to say (he could never run out of things to say, he was just tired), he turned to look at the two boys who sat at the table, side by side, staring up at him with bored expressions while their cheeks rested on their palms.

“Well, aren’t you two going to say anything?” Jaemin asked, glancing back and forth between the two boys.

The orange and lilac haired boys exchanged a look, and Jaemin’s eyebrows raised. The two sighed and turned to him once again.

“Now, we can speak?” Jisung asked, rather boredly.

“You’re dumb, we’ve been knowing,” Chenle jumped in right after, also looking rather disinterested in the conversation.

Jaemin rolled his eyes and pulled up a chair across from them, sitting down so they could have a more face-to-face talk.

Truth was, the two boys were his last hope. Funny, because though they were the last he came to, they were the first to know about his crush on Renjun. He didn’t even have to tell them, they just knew and were able to guess right away what his distress was about that day he went to see them after that karaoke night. After that, he never found the need to tell the others about his crush, because he had these two. Sure, he wasn’t as close to them as he was to Jeno or Donghyuck, and he didn’t think were very reasonable like Mark either, but they were great for ranting to. They often, and usually because they just didn’t care, told him how it was. They would tell him to calm down whenever he was freaking out about his crush, and they would knock common sense into him.

Of course, he would only listen to them for a few minutes before he continued on ranting and went back to freaking out and making stupid life decisions, but they still listened. And for some reason, it was easier to rant to them, these kids who he hadn’t known as long as he’d known Donghyuck or Jeno or even Mark. He supposed it was something psychological that prevented a person from telling their closest people secrets, and made it easier to tell the lesser close people. Did that make sense? Nothing made sense as of late.

The point was, he was distressed, and Chenle and Jisung would slap sense into him. Not in the metaphorical way, where they would tell him something honestly that would make him realize how dumb he was being, but quite physically. Though, his eye was still recovering from that hit, so he hoped they wouldn’t do that this time.

“I thought we already told you Renjun likes you,” Jisung said as his nose scrunched up.

Jaemin frowned. “Yeah, but that was just you assuming.”

Chenle and Jisung both exchanged a look.

“I thought you told him.”

“Uh, I thought _you_ told him.”

“Well if you didn’t tell him, and I didn’t tell him, who did?”

“No one, I suppose, or else he wouldn’t be so stupid.”

“Tell me what?” Jaemin spoke up, rather confused by the conversation between the two best friends.

“Renjun told us he likes you,” Jisung explained.

Jaemin’s eyebrows raised and he leaned back in his seat, questioning look on his face. “I’m sorry, what?” He was bewildered.

Chenle and Jisung both nodded.

“Yeah, for a while, too.” This time it was Chenle speaking. “Pretty sure everyone else in the friend group knows as well, but they’ve all been sworn to secrecy.”

Jaemin was shaking his head, still trying to process what was going on. He looked back and forth between the two, trying to find the words. “A-and you two weren’t?”

“Oh we definitely were,” Jisung said with a firm nod.

“We just don’t listen,” Chenle followed with a shrug.

Jaemin sighed, leaning all the way back, trying to get some space between him and the table as if that would help his breathing. It didn’t. Jaemin couldn’t breathe.

This— _this_ , was it real? Well, Chenle and Jisung both looked real, and the looks they were giving him seemed real, and the restaurant that belonged to Jisung’s parents seemed pretty real and—but this couldn’t be real.

Renjun liking Jaemin back? Ha. _Haha_ . What a funny joke, except that it wasn’t funny, so whoever was behind this should stop. But, what if this really was real? What if Chenle and Jisung were really right there, sitting across from him in Jisung’s family-owned restaurant? And what they were saying was true? What if Renjun, by some _crazy_ chance, liked Jaemin back? Ha.

It wasn’t like Jaemin didn’t already have the feeling, a persistent intuition, that his friend liked him back. He definitely had it, and the previous day only solidified his thoughts more. It had been quite clear to him, with the way Renjun would stare, the way he searched for answers with _that_ look, the way he didn’t move when Jaemin leaned in, the hopeful glimmer in his eyes when it looked like he was about to get kissed by his best friend—Jaemin knew. But hearing it from someone else, a confirmation, was a different story.

Despite what had happened the previous day, and all of the memories that came to mind when he let himself analyze more, there was still a thought in the back of his mind telling him, _what if?_ What if it was all in his head and Renjun was just acting normal and it was all wishful thinking and he had truly deluded himself and he was being irrational thinking that his best friend could actually like him back—but no.

Chenle and Jisung, the two younger boys sitting in front of him whom he had become friends with during the times that his other friends ditched him for Renjun, were telling him quite clearly, that he was wrong for thinking ‘what if?’ His feelings were returned, it was real, this wasn’t all some horrible fever dream which he would have to wake up from eventually. It was real.

Fuck, now he was regretting not going in for that kiss.

As if the kids could read his mind, they both exchanged a look before turning to him, Chenle being the first to speak, “Bet you’re feeling real stupid now, huh?”

“You should,” Jisung jumped in, and if Jaemin weren’t already in an existential crisis over the slap to the face he had just gotten—metaphorical this time—he would probably have been irritated by them. But he deserved, for he was a fool.

Jaemin thought back to all those times in high school where he had stared down at Renjun’s lips for longer than normal, and the times Renjun had caught him, suddenly looking away and acting like he didn’t notice—except he did notice. Jaemin had shrugged it off, thinking it was just Renjun feeling weird by his strong gaze. But no, Jaemin was an idiot.

And all those times in the basement—ah fuck.

“What do I do now?” Jaemin asked, rather stupidly so.

“Uh, you get your mans? Come on, Jaemin, do we really have to do everything for you?” Chenle asked and Jaemin was quite aware of the judgmental looks he was receiving from his friends, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything besides Renjun at that moment.

“Yeah, preferably now, we’re opening up soon and I don’t want you scaring off the customers,” Jisung added. 

“Alright. You two are right. I should definitely get my mans,” Jaemin said, standing up and slamming his hands down with a new look of determination on his face—until, that was, he sat back down and pouted. “But, are you two sure he didn’t mean it in a friendly way?”

* * *

It had been pretty clear to Jaemin that he liked Renjun a long time ago. So long ago, he wouldn’t be surprised if his crush had begun when they first met. Of course, he didn’t admit it to himself until years later when they were no longer moody pre-teens, no longer hormonal teens, and were instead growing and maturing young adults who could accept their feelings. But, Jaemin didn’t feel like an adult, he didn’t feel mature, he didn’t feel grown. He still felt like that twelve-year-old who had just become friends, _actual_ friends, with Renjun after a whole year of being singled out by his friend group. Giddy.

It was silly, it was stupid, and Jaemin was a fool. But it was true, he felt giddy. Just like then, when they were young and foolish. Because his crush liked him back—and yes, it was more than just a crush, but that was how he felt. Like when your middle school crush likes you back, that was exactly how Jaemin felt.

Jaemin laughed to himself, shifting around on his bed so he was facing the ceiling. He giggled, he fucking giggled. His crush liked him back, like shit, it was true, his friends had confirmed it. Apparently they all knew, whether they had been told by Renjun or not, they had all known for a while. _Wow_ , Jaemin thought. Some friends he had. Then again, if the roles were reversed, he would have been pissed if his friends told Renjun he liked him, so he understood their secrecy. Still, they had hinted it at him heavily and Jaemin had been a fool for not listening to them earlier. He wondered how much pinning he would have saved himself. How many longing stares would have been spared. How many kisses would have been delivered. And then that brought the thought, the question, just _how long_ did Renjun like him?

Months, _years_ , probably. Had there been hints before? Probably.

Thinking about it now, there had been plenty of hints. Too many hints. Those hopeful looks, especially that night they spent watching Disney movies when they were sixteen? Giveaway. The times spent in the basement, sitting in a comfortable silence and enjoying each other’s presence? Whipped. What else was there?

Skinship. Yes, that was a big one for sure.

The thing about skinship between the two was Jaemin loved it, Renjun hated it. Jaemin clinged on to Renjun, Renjun pushed him off. But, then again, he didn’t _always_.

Those times in the past it was so easy for Jaemin to assume Renjun was appalled by his demonstrations of affection—and he wasn’t wrong to either, anyone else would have thought the same.

There was a time when they were about seventeen or so, maybe close to eighteen. Senior year, Jaemin believed. Things that year had been different for them, in terms of their friendship, possible relationship. When the feelings started to become heavier for Jaemin, more unbearable, making it harder for him to control himself. It had only been a few months from graduation, a few months from summer, and a few months from that karaoke night—and Jaemin’s feelings were off the hook.

At that point in time, they were too old for Jaemin to call it hormones, and Jaemin was still trying to stretch out his denial for as long as he could. But it was hard and, somehow, pushing his feelings for Renjun away only attracted him to the other even more. As if Renjun had some huge gravitational force that pulled Jaemin towards constantly, and it was driving him crazy.

Jaemin had to touch Renjun, he had to hold his hand, he had to hug and pull him close, he had to toss his arm around his shoulders, he had to physically show his affection to avoid saying it verbally. And it was torture, literally torture. If Jaemin didn’t touch Renjun for five minutes? He would stare and he would stare _a lot_ . If Jaemin didn’t touch Renjun for thirty minutes? He would pout and stare, again, _a lot_ . If Jaemin didn’t touch Renjun for an hour? He would _feel_ his pulsing veins all throughout his body as if he were to implode. And then, if Jaemin didn’t touch Renjun for an entire day? Oh no. That couldn’t happen. He would die. Just drop dead.

Jaemin was one for dramatics, that was no secret, but he swore this wasn’t his being dramatic. He could only wish this was another one of his dramatic acts in sad attempts to get Renjun’s attention, that would be mercy. He could control that. This? No. He couldn’t control it and it was starting to not just emotionally hurt him, but physically too. Sure, the chest pains could be blamed on the caffeine and the lightheadedness could be reasoned with the fact that he stayed up most of the night and slept most of the day but—it hurt. Jaemin couldn’t put it any other way but: it hurt. Not being around Renjun, not touching Renjun (in a non-creepy way, of course) hurt him.

And then Renjun’s obvious disgust at Jaemin’s displays of affection—oh that hurt like shit.

Jaemin shouldn’t have felt so devastated, he knew Renjun was uncomfortable with physical attention, he knew that oh-so well. Yet, every time he would reach to hold Renjun’s hand, only to find it pulled back instantly, or any time he would wrap his arms around Renjun’s tiny little waist, pulling him into a back hug, only to be elbowed the shorter boy—Jaemin found himself putting on a smile that would never reach his eyes, letting out an all too awkward chuckle, hoping his devastation didn’t reach his friends. That would be humiliating. And Jaemin felt humiliated enough.

But there was one time in particular during those days, when Jaemin had perhaps gone too far, and Renjun snapped.

Jaemin knew Renjun had been under a lot of stress during those days, preparing for their _final_ finals of their entire high school life, while also preparing for his final art show, working day and night on that last art piece (which would turn out great and would win him that scholarship.) Jaemin knew the stress made Renjun moody, making him less tolerable to his overly touch displays of affection. Jaemin knew it was a bad idea to wrap his arms around Renjun while he was working on his art piece, and he knew it was a bad idea to blow into his neck, he knew that. And Jaemin knew Renjun had every right to be annoyed, he knew he had every right to elbow him and push him away while yelling a few things here and there, showing how irritated he was with him. Jaemin knew that.

But he had still been hurt. Incredibly so, he might add, enough to where his ego would take a huge hit. And Jaemin’s ego meant a lot to him, it made up a huge part of his personality.

Renjun regretted lashing out on him instantly, Jaemin was able to see it in his eyes. So, being the sweet and kind guy he was, he had been quick to shake his head and reassure him it was okay and that Renjun had every right to be mad and that he should have him given space and so on and so, before he forced another smile and excused himself out.

It should all have been okay after that. But it hadn’t been.

As mentioned before, Jaemin had a big ego and that day, it had taken a huge hit. Not just his ego, but his heart as well. That day had been a slap to the face, telling him to snap out of it, to stop being so touchy and clingy, telling him he was being weird and annoying, telling him a series of other things that would push him to keep his distance.

Jaemin had become self-conscious and as a result he had become self-aware. Any time he felt the need to reach out to Renjun, he would stop himself instantly. He would mentally slap himself and he would press his hands against his thigh, focusing intensely on the conversation at hand as he maintained his hands glued down. It went on like that for a week or two, and it seemed like no one in the friend group had taken any notice of his changed demeanor until finals week passed and they were all no longer too stressed to think about anything else but their careers.

Renjun had just received his award for his art piece and as a result of winning first place, he had also just received his scholarship certificate. They had all cheered loudly for him and Jaemin was no step behind, of course, and he had walked up to him with wide open arms, ready to possibly pick up Renjun and spin him around—when there was that thought. That voice at the back of his head, reminding him of how he needed to be cautious, to not come off as clingy or annoying. Renjun had frowned in confusion when Jaemin’s hands dropped into a clap, but he smiled nonetheless when Jaemin gave him that wide grin of his.

But then another week went by and Renjun was frowning every time Jaemin held himself back. He was being obvious, Jaemin realized, and in a stupid attempt to hide his sudden change, he started excusing himself more from their group hangouts. When they were all eating together in the cafeteria and Renjun was sitting next to Jaemin, looking as beautiful as always, Jaemin would excuse himself, claiming he had to go to the library to study though finals week was long over and there was just not even one week left before they graduated. It only made it more obvious.

That was a crucial time in their friendship, Jaemin realized thinking back to those days. Jaemin had lost his touch (not the physical one, but his charm), and he was distancing himself more and more day by day. They were close to graduating, and though they still saw each other and hung out with the others, they weren’t necessarily talking to each other. Renjun would try, though, but Jaemin would so much as glance his way with another one of those smiles that wouldn’t reach his eyes, before turning back to look out the window as he nodded along to Donghyuck’s story about where he would be traveling to that summer. Yes, that had definitely been a rough time in their friendship.

If it hadn’t been for that one day, they would have graduated on awkward terms and they probably wouldn’t have seen each other at all that summer, and they probably wouldn’t have had karaoke night, and everything leading up to now wouldn’t have happened. Not the way it did at least.

But that day, before graduation, there was a graduation practice. Jaemin had arrived at the gym in his cap and gown, ready to sit through one hour of what would not be the real thing and would not be worth it, because seriously? Why would they need to practice walking and sitting? They were seniors, adults for fucks sake, why waste a perfectly good day—

And then Renjun had pulled him to the side, holding his hand in his, not saying a single word, until they were standing in a whole other section of the gym, alone, together.

Renjun had shifted around, awkwardly letting go of Jaemin’s hand before swaying back and forth, staring down at his shoes. He bit his bottom lip and Jaemin had been very sure he would implode when Renjun suddenly looked up at him before lounging at him, throwing his arms around his neck.

Jaemin had stumbled back in shock, and his arms had unglued from his sides. It had taken him a moment, but as soon as he realized what was happening, he did not hesitate to hug back, even going as far as to rest his head on Renjun’s shoulder. He had even sighed in content, satisfied by the touch he had been depriving himself off for so long. Why had he done that? He couldn’t remember at that moment, and he sure as heck didn’t want to contemplate it then. It had been stupid, he realized.

Jaemin couldn’t remember how long they had been standing there. He only remembered the way they had swayed from side to side, in each other’s arms, not saying any words, listening to each other's breathing and—if they listened close—each other’s heartbeats.

“I kind of don’t want to graduate,” Renjun had been the first to break the silence, showing no sign of moving away from Jaemin.

“I do. Can’t wait to get out of here; Worst experience of my life,” Jaemin replied, sounding as dramatic as ever. “But, I guess I get it.

“Do you think we’ll still see each other?” Renjun had asked, a few seconds later.

At that, Jaemin had chuckled, finding himself pulling Renjun closer. “We’re going to the same university stupid.”

“I know but, well, we’re going to be adults and stuff. I’m getting a job to help pay for expenses, you’ll probably get a job as well, we’ll have different classes because we’ll have different majors, we’ll have many assignments that’ll keep up busy, and we-”

“Shhh, you’re ruining the moment,” Jaemin said with a slight shake of his head. He didn’t want to think that much then, with Renjun in his arms. Also, he had a strong feeling the two wouldn’t separate no matter what. He just knew it in him, his heart wouldn’t allow it.

And the following day, after the diplomas had been handed and the caps had been thrown—except for Jaemin’s, because he was definitely not going to look for it in the pile of caps, and he wanted to keep it—the two best friends went straight to each other and Renjun, once again, had so much as thrown himself in the other’s arms.

Then they met up with their families, said their thank yous and goodbyes, and then saw each other again an hour later with the rest of the group who were all sitting in Jisung’s family-owned restaurant. They all laughed and talked, and everything went back to normal. Summer came and went, karaoke night happened late in the season, when it wasn’t too hot, but it didn’t matter, because Jaemin’s newfound feelings made him feel like he was on fire. Then the leaves began to change color and autumn came and Jaemin was falling fast and hard. Winter came and left, but Jaemin’s feelings remained strong as always. And then the flowers started to blossom and Jaemin had realized he’d been wrong to assume nothing would change between him and Renjun because _everything_ had changed and he could no longer control himself—not like he ever could in the first place—and then there he was. Sitting on his bed, phone in hand, thinking about how in love he was.

Jaemin was in love and had been for a while now. And he was sure Renjun felt the same way. Those looks, the hopeful glimmer, and shoving off his displays of affection even though he actually missed them very much if they stopped—that’s what Jaemin had realized, recalling the events of those times when he distanced himself before graduation—and just the way he had hugged him the day before graduation, not letting go as if he was scared of losing him, in more than just losing a friend way. As if that would be the last time he’d get to hold him—which was crazy because Jaemin would never allow that.

But Jaemin was certain of Renjun’s feelings for him and he wanted him to know. And, of course, he was sleep-deprived.

So, Jaemin did the only thing he could do: He dialed Renjun’s phone at an ungodly time of the night and waited anxiously for the answer.

“Hello?” It came after only one ring, and Jaemin was sure Renjun had already been awake.

“Hey,” Jaemin spoke, rather breathlessly.

“Why are you up again so late?” Renjun asked.

“I wanted to ask you something.”

“What is it this time?” Renjun asked, sounding irritated by the question. Jaemin was sure it was because of the way he’d acted the previous day—almost kissing him and all, getting his hopes up and stuff. And not just the previous day, but that one other night. And, also, pretty much any time the two saw each other. But he was going to fix it.

“Do you want to hang out? Like, just the two of us.” Was that enough? No, that wasn’t enough, what if he thought he meant it as just friends. “Like, you know, go to a movie and, uhm-”

Oh no, he was starting to sound awkward, what to say next?

“Wait,” Renjun asked, sounding more alert now than before. “Uhm, you mean, like, uhm.”

“Yeah,” Jaemin said, understanding what Renjun meant.

“ _Oh_ ,” Renjun whispered.

Then, there was silence. It lasted for quite a while and Jaemin was starting to fear that Renjun hadn’t understood his question—or worse, he had understood, but he didn’t like the motives. Oh no, what if he didn’t want to go on a date with him? What if he was about to get rejected? What if he had truly deluded himself and Renjun didn’t actually—

“Okay.” The answer came as a miracle. “Pick me up at 6, and I’m expecting the movie to be Toy Story 4.”

Jaemin grinned. “Great.”

* * *

It was a date, Jaemin knew that. Neither of them had to directly state it for it to be known. They both understood. Especially with the way things had been happening lately between the two, of course it was to come. But, Jaemin still chose to freak out over the missing word in their conversation from the previous night when it was forty minutes before 6, and he had an endless pile of clothes on his bed because nothing was good enough for Renjun.

“I mean, I didn’t even say the word _date_ , Jeno! What if he doesn’t think it’s a date? Oh my gosh, he probably doesn’t think it is a date. I should have said it! I should have been straight up and said ‘It’s a date’, you know all smooth and stuff like in the movies but—”

“Jaemin,” Jeno’s voice came, rather irritated by his friend’s endless rant.

Jaemin took out another shirt from his closest it and frowned at the sight, not even sparing it another glance before it was tossed onto the pile with the rest.

“Trust me, he thinks it’s a date.”

Jaemin shifted the phone from one side to the other, tilting his head to his shoulder so it wouldn't fall as he looked at another shirt.

“He’s in his room with Donghyuck, going through an endless amount of outfits while freaking out about this supposed date.”

Jaemin’s heart did a thing.

“And he’s also scared you won’t think of this as a date,” Jeno added, and Jaemin’s heart did another thing.

“Oh it’s a date, it’s definitely a date.” Jaemin responded, eyeing his last shirt one last time before deciding, _this is the one_. And like that, he continued telling himself those words while he changed, while he fixed his hair, while he walked to the car, while he drove to pick up Renjun—and when the door to his car opened and Renjun stepped inside, it all came crashing down.

Renjun was pretty, that had been established multiple times already. Jaemin was whipped, that had been established countless times already as well. Yet, Jaemin still kept thinking Renjun was pretty, pretty as ever. Beautiful and stunning and graceful and majestic and—

“Are you going to drive or should we change seats?” Renjun asked rather teasingly, but Jaemin could tell from the way his eyes didn’t meet his full gaze, and the way his fingers fumbled around on his lap, Renjun was just as nervous. And if Jaemin squinted, he could see a faint blush forming on his cheeks as well, showing his stare had flustered him.

“Sorry,” Jaemin said, starting the car. He glanced over a Renjun one last time, mumbling, “You look pretty.”

And he knew Renjun heard when he saw the deepening blush.

Jaemin smiled to himself, content with the reaction. And the two remained like that for the rest of the ride, small smiles on their lips and awkward and avoiding gazes every few red lights. It wasn’t until they arrived at the movies when the whole idea of a ‘date’ between the two began to settle down and they were finally able to talk casually—at least, attempts were made.

“Do you think you’re going to cry?” Jaemin asked when they were standing in line for snacks. “Isn’t it your thing to cry while watching Disney movies?”

Renjun rolled his eyes. “I thought that was your thing. I swear every time we’ve come to the movies together within the past year you’ve cried.”

“Have not,” Jaemin said, pulling out his wallet to pay.

“Endgame?”

“It is an unspoken rule that you have to cry while watching Endgame, or else you’re just heartless.”

“How to Train Your Dragon 3.”

“That was _you_ crying.”

“Oh right.” Renjun pouted, moving up a step in line.

Jaemin smiled fondly at the sight, feeling his heart against his chest. “It’s okay, it was cute.”

At those words, Renjun’s face was quick to redden and he almost let out a sigh of relief when Jaemin turned his attention to the cashier. But, very much like Renjun, Jaemin was just as relieved, his cheeks also reddening from the realization of it all. He was on a date with Renjun. He was flirting with Renjun, not just playfully, but in a ‘I’m interested in you and I hope you know that, but you probably do because we’re on a date but please love me back’ kind of way. How was Jaemin supposed to control himself? Answer: He couldn’t.

“So,” Jaemin started in an attempt to start another conversation when they were waiting in line for the movie after getting their snacks and drinks.

“Yup,” Renjun mumbled.

They were avoiding eye-contact once again. And they just stood there, well-aware of each other’s presence and the way their shoulders were brushing up against each other and the weight of their feelings and—Jaemin laughed. It was more of a giggle, but it was there and Renjun turned to him, eyebrows knitted together in a confused frown.

“What’s so funny?” Renjun asked, which made Jaemin laugh a little more.

Renjun raised an eyebrow and Jaemin shook his head. “It’s nothing,” He said, eyes shifting back up to meet Renjun’s gaze. “But—I don’t know. The way we’re acting is reminding me of that day, years ago, when we first became friends.”

Something in Renjun’s gaze changed and yet another blush was creeping its way onto his face. A small, quite fond, smile almost made its way onto his face. “We were so awkward then.”

“We were young and stupid.” Jaemin shrugged.

“I think we still are,” Renjun snorted. “Back then we didn’t know what we were doing and now, well, we still don’t know what we’re doing.”

“There’s just one thing different, then,” Jaemin said, gaze becoming more serious.

Renjun’s smile slowly dropped into another hopeful look and Jaemin opened his mouth to speak when—the line began to move. Jaemin pulled out the tickets and handed them over and soon, they were inside, sitting at the far back of the theatre, watching previews in another odd silence.

The thing about their silent moments was they were usually comfortable or awkward, never anything else, never anything in between. But all the silent moments they had shared up until then had been different. They weren’t comfortable, no, they were both too alert for that. But they weren’t awkward either, they had reached a point in their friendship-relationship where awkward didn’t come easy to them, unless the burden of the feelings was unbearring. But this wasn’t one of those moments, this was different. Something had changed.

“So are animated Disney movies our thing?” Jaemin mindlessly asked when some boring previews began to play.

“Hmm,” Renjun hummed and Jaemin was in love with the smile on his face, “along with the How to Train Your Dragon series.”

“Underrated,” Jaemin said with a shake of his head, before adding onto the list, “and the entire MCU.”

“We also can’t forget about Moomin.”

“That’s your thing.”

“But I thought it was _our_ thing?”

“Okay, then, you’re right. It’s _our_ thing.”

There was another moment of silence where the two just stared at each other, smiling. Until they became aware once again, turning away from each other, small smiles still lingering on their faces.

Jaemin cleared his throat. “Don’t forget BTR.”

“Kings. Logan’s parts snapped.”

“Hmm, but James was the best though.”

“Oh, are we going to do this here? Now?”

There was another moment of silence between the two, where they just stared at each other, wide grins plastered on their faces again. They were too giddy for this.

Fuck, was this what being love was?

Jaemin opened his mouth, ready to say whatever bullshit that he could spur out in that moment, but the lights dimmed and the screen began to play—what was it? Oh, Toy Story 4, right. That’s what they were there for.

To summarize without going into details too much, the movie was alright. Jaemin couldn’t concentrate for the most part and the parts where he did concentrate, he found himself crying into the popcorn bucket. Renjun snorted and teased him for it with a bump on his shoulder, but Jaemin found himself not minding when seconds later, Renjun guided him to cry on his shoulder. Jaemin complied, of course. Until that was, Renjun started crying as well and then they were just two young adults sitting at the back of a movie theatre surrounded by kids, crying at an animated movie meant for children. It was How to Train Your Dragon 3 all over again—though Jaemin still liked to deny he cried back then (he did, but he just found more pleasure in guiding Renjun’s head to his shoulder back then).

“That was something,” Renjun exhaled when the credits began to roll.

Jaemin nodded, head still resting on Renjun’s shoulder.

“Can’t believe they split up my best bros,” Jaemin spoke. “But it was so sweet and romantic—but, like, my best bros? How could they—”

“I don’t get it,” Renjun spoke up with a chuckle. “Are you for the ending or against the ending?”

Jaemin sighed, still showing no sign of removing his head from Renjun’s shoulder, though the people around them were already getting up and walking out. “I love romance you know, but—my best bros, Renjun, my best bros.”

Renjun snorted again, though he was still sniffling over the ending as well. “Jaemin, I don’t get you.”

“But you like me so,” Jaemin said, head still resting on Renjun’s shoulder as the credits rolled in front of them and only a few families remained, gathering their things before heading out with their kids.

Renjun was silent for a moment, and that was when Jaemin realized what he had just said. It was the first time that night that one of them addressed their feelings for each other. It was weird, because it was something Jaemin often said thoughtlessly without any intentions behind it, and Renjun would always just roll his eyes or punch him or agree mindlessly. But this was different. They were on a date, and sure none of them had confirmed it or used the word ‘date’, but that only made the whole situation even weirder.

The silence was unbearable and Jaemin was just lifting his head to look at Renjun, when in the most beautiful, soft voice he heard, “You’re not wrong.”

And the two were left staring at each other in a way they had perhaps looked at each other many times before, unconsciously and unaware, young and foolish, unconditionally in love without knowing. But this time they knew, and Jaemin was feeling bold. He felt brave, he felt confident, and mostly, he just didn’t think. Thinking was overrated, Jaemin thought, just as he lent down fast and rapidly, stopping only when Renjun’s lips were but a centimetre away from his own.

Jaemin’s eyes flickered up, catching Renjun’s, and there was that look. That look in his eyes that Jaemin was able to recognize now so easily. That hopeful glimmer, that pleading gaze of _Please like me the way I like you, please kiss me_. Jaemin was done overthinking, it was foolish of him to do so in the first person because he wasn’t a thinker when it came to Renjun, he just did. Leave the thinking to Renjun, he should have learned that lesson when they were in seventh grade and Jaemin was ready to temporary-tattoo his entire body with Avengers tattoos they found at the dollar store during that one phase and Renjun called him an imbecile and talked him out of it.

If Jaemin wanted to kiss Renjun, to hell with it he would right then and there in the already empty and dimly lit theater room. But—

“Can I?” It sounded more raspy and breathy than Jaemin liked, but he needed that confirmation, just in case, you know.

Renjun seemed rather taken aback for a second, but he rolled his eyes, leaning away from Jaemin just the slightest. “Jaemin, I’ve been waiting for this moment since we were fourteen and—”

But Jaemin didn’t let him finish and he went straight for it, the thing he’d been wanting for long, yet had been depriving himself off since, well, years and years ago.

And it was a bit awkward, they weren’t in the best position, Renjun was sideways, and Jaemin was leaning over the armrest that was jabbing at his side, and the kiss was also shorter than either of them would have liked for how long they had waited—but it was satisfying. A content feeling of, _finally._ It showed in the way Jaemin grinned into the kiss, and he was sure Renjun felt it as well when he heard him sigh in content, which only made Jaemin grin wider, which brought the kiss to an end.

Jaemin rested his forehead against Renjun’s own, grinning widely when he saw the blush on the other’s cheeks. He did that. No one else but him.

“Stop smiling like that,” Renjun whined, a small pout on his lips that only made Jaemin want to kiss him again even more.

“I can’t help it, I’m just happy,” Jaemin responded, a grin still heavy on his face. But Renjun didn’t seem to mind for there was a fond smile tugging at his lips, and rather softly, he responded with, “I’m happy too.”

“So I can do it again?”

“You literally don’t have to ask—”

Needless to say, they were definitely kicked out by the usher who came in to make sure everyone was gone so the other workers could clean up the theater, only to find the pair kissing in a much more comfortable way than the first time.

Renjun had been embarrassed but Jaemin was shameless and looked rather proud, walking out with Renjun’s hand in his own, dragging him out of the room and out of the cinema and to his car so they could kiss a few more times. And when they were done making out in Jaemin’s car in the parking lot of the movie theater, Jaemin stared at the other, that same fond look in his eyes with a wide grin plastered on his face.

“Since when?”

“What?” Renjun asked, though he knew what Jaemin was asking.

“You know, since when have you liked me?” Jaemin said, rather bashfully as he played with Renjun’s hand that was clasped in his own.

Renjun rolled his eyes, another smile on his lips. That was how they worked. Renjun pretending to be annoyed by Jaemin, but never able to help the tugging smile. “I don’t know, long ago? Maybe when we were in seventh grade? And then it got real during those days spent in the basement in ninth grade—stop looking at me like that.”

“I can’t help it!” Jaemin defended. “I’m just so happy, because, you know—”

“What?” Renjun asked, and from his tone Jaemin knew he wanted him to say it out loud.

“Because we like each other.”

“Was it that hard to say it out loud?” Renjun asked in amusement.

Jaemin rolled his eyes, goofy grin not once leaving his face. “I was scared of rejection.”

“Are you telling me you never noticed my embarrassing crush on you?”

“Not once. Did you notice mine?”

Renjun hummed, turning in his seat to face away from Jaemin, though he didn’t let go of his hand. “There were times where I thought for sure you liked me. Like when you would stare at me and then lean in, but then you would lean back away and I just thought I misunderstood.”

Jaemin leaned in, grin softening into a fond smile. Renjun looked back and Jaemin thought he must have been crazy because he swore he saw the galaxy in his eyes. Fuck that was cheesy. But did Jaemin care? Never.

“So does this mean we’re boyfriends now? Because we made out in an empty theater room and it would kinda suck if you said that was platonic.”

“Jaemin oh my fucking—”

* * *

“You two are sick together, _sick_ ,” Donghyuck said, looking rather disgusted when he walked into the living room, only to find Jaemin and Renjun sitting on the couch, cuddling as they watched Anastasia for the third time that week. Apparently, when Renjun finally got Jaemin to watch it with him, it turned into a new all time favorite.

“Please, we’ve been dealing with you and Jeno for almost two whole years already,” Renjun gagged, hand running through Jaemin’s long and fluffy hair that he loved oh-so much. It was funny, because Renjun would always complain about it being too long and Jaemin would pout, saying he loved it. But after the two got together, it became one of Renjun’s favorite things about him. Running his fingers through his hair while they kissed or while they cuddled or just trying to fix it before heading out to somewhere nice. Renjun loved it and Jaemin loved it as well.

“Yeah but Jeno and I are a power couple who did not spend _years_ pining after each other. We knew what we wanted and we went for it, so therefore we are superior.”

Jaemin and Renjun both exchanged a look before turning back to Donghyuck, bursting into a fit of laughter. Donghyuck pouted.

“You and Jeno were literally worse??” Jaemin said in between laughs. “You were always so dramatic about how he didn’t like you and how you wanted to shove him into a locker because he was a nerd who wore glasses and you didn’t understand how you fell for someone—”

Then, the door to Jeno’s room opened and the boy peeked his head out the door, frowning when he saw Renjun and Jaemin in a fit of laughter on the couch and his boyfriend standing besides them with a blushing face. “Are you guys talking about me?”

“Haha, of course not sweetie,” Donghyuck quickly shook his head, walking up to his boyfriend, pushing him back inside his room, “you go back to playing video games and maybe I’ll even watch in peace this time.” And the couple disappeared, but not without Donghyuck sending the other couple a glare.

“Do you think we’re worse than them?” Jaemin asked, head already back on Renjun’s lap.

“Nah.”

Jaemin hummed in response.

“Renjun, can you sing me that one song?”

“Which one?”

“You know, the one that made fall in love with you more.”

“Wait, you never told me about a song that made you fall in love with me?”

“I didn’t? Whoops, I knew I was forgetting something. Anyway, so remember karaoke night? Yeah, I looked good that night. Anyway, so you were there and I was kinda in love with you already—wait, keep running your hands through my hair—but I kept denying it to myself deep down, but then…”

**Author's Note:**

> the disney prince convo between renmin was one i had with my sister, especially that anastasia part???
> 
> i hope you enjoyed, please comment if you did, i love hearing people's thoughts on my writing. i hope this was enjoyable?? i hope my writing was good?? please stream ridin???
> 
> seriously, stream ridin please
> 
> you can also follow me on twitter: @tenheroes_ (there is an underscore)  
> thank you and goodbye and stream ridin!
> 
> -J
> 
> stream ridin!


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